Monday, October 24, 2016

Hey Jealousy

A few days ago, some friends of ours had to take their 3 year old son into the local children's hospital because of seizures.  Fred was away camping with Elise, so I kept up with their situation using his facebook.  At some point, she posted about how she was feeling jealous of everyone's "ordinary weekend".

Hey Jealousy... I remember you well.

Because it wasn't long ago that I couldn't take Elise out to eat, or be at a birthday party, or on a playdate with friends, without having to suppress a terrible rage that threatened to bubble out of me when I saw how easy it was for other people.

Jealous of toddlers that could eat whenever, wherever.

Jealous of not having to check blood sugars.

Jealous of kids who could "graze".

Jealous of Moms who could just leave the house with a purse or diaper bag.

Jealous of not having to wait due to a high BG.

Jealous of forcing my kids to take a time out to eat because of a low.

So much jealousy.

So when I saw her post, I felt a pang in my heart.  I remember yearning for "normal", and "ordinary" so badly that tears would spring to my eyes every time.

I wasn't mad at the "normals", I was sad for me and my daughter.

Then I realized that jealousy is not really a burden I carry anymore.  I will admit, when diabetes is being a jerk, a lot of those feelings come roaring back.  Especially when I'm in a group situation, and life for everyone else is just flowing along while I'm in a corner, trying to tame an ugly beast.

But in the day-to-day, diabetes is just a part of our routine; check, bolus, repeat.  With a pump change, dex change and an occasional shot.  It's a dance and we've figured out the rhythm pretty well.  But I'm curious as to when jealousy decided to slink off into the night.  Whenever it was, I'm glad he's gone.

This weekend, I've had a taste of ordinary.  Fred and Elise were away camping from Friday until Sunday, and in that time the boys and I ate our way through soccer snacks, post-game slushes, a pumpkin carving party, and plenty of eating out.  

And nary a blood sugar check or bolus was seen.

It was so extraordinarily ordinary.  So normal.

So freaking easy.

But even if it is, missing her, is so very NOT easy.  

And I'm glad she's back... blood sugars, boluses and all.