Happy 151st Birthday Canada!

It all started with a simple picture of my 10 month old daughter holding a Canadian flag.  Now 8 years later, all 3 of my kids proudly wave the maple leaf on Canada Day. 

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Tell me what’s a Douglas Fir 

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Betcha never heard a bobcat purr

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Have you ever seen a lobster crawl?

In Canada, we get to see them all.

We get to see the maple trees, maple sugar and the maple leaves,

We got the biggest wheat fields growing tall

In C-A-N-A-D-A, where we see the reversing falls

In Canada, we get to see them all.

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Tell me, what’s a tidal bore,

 C-A-N-A-D-A,

Have you ever heard the ocean roar?

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Just listen to that wild goose call.

In Canada, we get to see them all

We get to see the maple trees, maple sugar and the maple leaves,

We got the biggest timber woods so tall 

In C-A-N-A-D-A, where adventure ever calls,

In Canada, we get to see them all.

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Have you ever heard a maple creak?

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Betcha never seen a mountain peak.

C-A-N-A-D-A,

In the land of the big snowball.

In Canada, we get to see them all.

We get to see the maple trees, maple sugar and the maple leaves,

We got the biggest wheat fields growing tall

In C-A-N-A-D-A, where we see the reversing falls,

In Canada, we get to see them all.

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Have you ever seen a magnetic hill? 

\

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Or a lady on a dollar bill?

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Betcha never seen the autumn fall.

We get to see the maple trees, maple sugar and the maple leaves,

We got the biggest timber woods so tall
 

In C-A-N-A-D-A, where adventure ever calls,

In Canada, we get to see them all.

*Lyrics from the song C-A-N-A-D-A by Raffi

Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian peeps out there. 

Ittt

Happy 148th Birthday Canada!

It all started with a simple picture of my 10 month old daughter holding a Canadian flag.  Now 7 years later, all 3 of my kids proudly wave the maple leaf on Canada Day. 

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Tell me what’s a Douglas Fir

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Betcha never heard a bobcat purr

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Have you ever seen a lobster crawl?

In Canada, we get to see them all.

We get to see the maple trees, maple sugar and the maple leaves,

We got the biggest wheat fields growing tall

In C-A-N-A-D-A, where we see the reversing falls

In Canada, we get to see them all.

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Tell me, what’s a tidal bore,

 C-A-N-A-D-A,A

Have you ever heard the ocean roar?

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Just listen to that wild goose call.

In Canada, we get to see them all

We get to see the maple trees, maple sugar and the maple leaves,

We got the biggest timber woods so tall 

In C-A-N-A-D-A, where adventure ever calls,

In Canada, we get to see them all.

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Have you ever heard a maple creak?

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Betcha never seen a mountain peak.

C-A-N-A-D-A,

In the land of the big snowball.

In Canada, we get to see them all.

We get to see the maple trees, maple sugar and the maple leaves,

We got the biggest wheat fields growing tall

In C-A-N-A-D-A, where we see the reversing falls,

In Canada, we get to see them all.

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Have you ever seen a magnetic hill?

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Or a lady on a dollar bill?

C-A-N-A-D-A,

Betcha never seen the autumn fall.

,

We get to see the maple trees, maple sugar and the maple leaves,

We got the biggest timber woods so tall 

In C-A-N-A-D-A, where adventure ever calls,

In Canada, we get to see them all.

*Lyrics from the song C-A-N-A-D-A by Raffi

It's a day late, but Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian peeps out there. 

Ittt

The birthday that never came

December 26.

I have been dreading this day.  The day I was supposed to meet my son. I wish it could have been avoided, but the month has carried me to this day, much like a riptide carries one out to sea.   I was helpless against it.

Since July 21, there have been a lot of "supposed to's", but obviously this one is the hardest. My actual due date was January 1, but Nicolas was scheduled to arrive via c-section today.

There is so much I want to say, but losing Nicolas has stemmed the flow of words.  Writing through such sorrow is not easy for me because the emotions are so overwhelming I don't know how to express them.  Not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of him.  I would even go so far as to say not an hour passes without him being on my mind.

The day he was born was so traumatizing (I could seriously teach a class on how not to treat a woman in my situation), that I missed out on really seeing my son and saying goodbye.  The time I had with him was short and is already fading in my mind.  I wanted to write him a letter to say all the things I never got to tell him.

--------------------

Dear Nicolas,

Today was to be your day.  The day I would finally hold you in my arms and our family would be complete. I cannot describe the ache in both my arms and my heart today.

There is so much I wonder about you... hair colour, eye colour, height and weight. But so much more than that.  Who would you be? What would your life become?  There is such sadness in possibilities never realized. I long to see how your piece would have fit into our family puzzle.

Though I only carried you for 17 short weeks, you are forever with me.  I carry your named engraved upon a bracelet on my wrist, your initial graces a pendant I wear, and your soul is forever stamped on mine.

I am sorry. So sorry that I never got the chance to meet you. To look into your tiny eyes and kiss your nose.  I'm sorry for all the snuggles I missed and hours in the middle of the night when it was just you and I. The stories never read and lullabies never sung.

Finally, I want you to know how loved you are.  So very loved.  Your brother and sister still talk about you.  In their world, the span of a week is a lifetime, so it seems you are eternally on their minds as well.  In fact, to them you are a part of the family, just as they are.  Your sister was telling someone just the other day that she has three brothers. 

Merry Christmas Nicolas. The only thing missing is you

And so, my sweet boy, Happy supposed-to-be Birthday.  I miss you.  I love you.  I always will.

Love,
Your Mama

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind always be at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

and rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of his hand

In memory of Nicolas Daniel

Yesterday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.  I didn't find that out until well into the afternoon.  It makes me sad that the day that is meant to honour our lost children isn't really talked about. 

Much like the loss itself.

I discovered that there would be a candle lighting close to where I live, so the kids and I went.

I lit a candle and cried for my son.  And for all the little lives taken too soon.

Every cry is a song

Every song is a prayer

And our prayers must be heard

Fill the air

-Hothouse Flowers

Six

As we snuggled together on the eve before she turned 6, Elise said to me, "I wish I could stay 5... everything is perfect when you're 5."

If she only knew the greatness that awaits her; this year, next year and all the years of her life.

She will do amazing things.  She will have an amazing life.  I can feel it. 

And it all started 6 years ago today. Happy birthday to my sweet, wonderful, amazing girl.  I love you and love you.

My 48

So it seems everyone in the DOC is doing this 48 questions thing.  And since I've enjoyed reading them, I thought I might enjoy writing one.  Hopefully it will get me out of this writing funk I'm in.  I miss my blog...

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

Not that I know of... however I have been told I was going to be named Heidi.  Which was our dog's name. Nice (I don't mind the name Heidi, it's just... after a dog?  Really?  Sheesh).

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Probably within the last few days.  Sad song, post-pregnancy hormones, diabetes sucking...

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

Sure.  Why not?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT?

Is Prosciutto a lunch meat?

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Three of them.  They are presently driving me crazy.  Except for Lucas.  All he does is eat and sleep.  I'm so jealous of his life.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

If that other person was exactly like who I am, then sure, I would LOVE me!  But it would really depend on WHO that other person was, right?  I'm sure I'm not everybody's cup of tea. 

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?

Since I am probably more fluent in sarcasm than English, I'd have to say, "uhhhh, yeah!"

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

As far as I know.  Unless someone stole them while I wasn't looking.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

I'm not a big fan of heights, but if it were for a million bucks in a racearoundtheworld... yeah I would!

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL?

Steel cut oats.  Does that count?  If not, right now I'm loving rice krispies.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

I mostly wear birks, or my slip on rocket dogs.  No laces required!  On the odd occasion I do wear running shoes I am far too lazy to untie.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

Depends on which day you catch me on.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM?

I don't really like ice cream... I'm more of a sorbet kind of girl.  I'm fancy like that.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Personality.

15. RED OR PINK?

Neither.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

I don't forgive very easily.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

I'd have to say my Grandma Ann.  She was always the first person I called to say Merry Christmas to because she lived in the eastern time zone.

18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?

I don't really know what this question is asking... I suck at folding laundry.  Does that work?

19. WHAT COLOUR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

None... we don't wear shoes inside.  It's a Canadian thing.  When I first moved to the U.S. and people would wear their shoes inside my house I thought they were horribly rude.  Then I realized it's just the norm. 

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

A Hershey's kiss.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

My kids laughing and playing together.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?

I'd be one of those homemade crayons that you make my melting a bunch of differently coloured crayons together.

23. FAVOURITE SMELLS?

New baby. Mountain air. Pine trees.

24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU?

I've become pretty apathetic since I moved to the U.S. and don't have the right to vote.  I have my opinions, but try not to push them onto anyone.

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?

It depends on my mood.  I'm not a huge fan of sand, but I love the sound of the ocean.  But I also love the smells and quiet of the mountains.  In Vancouver, I never had to choose...

26. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Hockey!  Baseball isn't bad either.

27. HAIR COLOUR?

Red

28. EYE COLOUR?

Blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

Sometimes.  I'm usually too lazy though.  The last thing I want to do before I go to bed is clean my contacts.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?

Italian

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

Comedy

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

I have no idea... Fred and I started to watch the Princess Bride the other night.  Inconceivable!

33. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?

Still in my PJs... which are blue with ducks on a bathtub on them.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Depends on where I live.  Texas in the summer?  Blergh.

35. FAVOURITE DESSERT?

Strawberry Rhubarb pie.

36. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?

Sports... which I guess is cardio.

37. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?

Depends.  If I'm tired, definitely TV.

38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

Some mystery/crime book.  Can't remember the name and I'm too lazy to go find it.

39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

Don't have one.

40. FAVOURITE SOUND?

Silence.

41. FAVOURITE GENRE OF MUSIC?

A little bit of everything except country.  Or rap.  Or death metal.  Or regular metal, for that matter.

42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

Somewhere in Europe... Austria maybe?

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

This is lame, but when I go grocery shopping I can tell you how much my total will be within a few dollars.  I also know when I've been overcharged for an item (which is good because our grocery store gives you the item for free when they charge you the wrong price).

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

Montreal.

45. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?

Texas.

46. WHAT COLOUR IS YOUR HOUSE?

I don't know... Is that weird?  We've only lived here for a year and a half.

47. WHAT COLOUR IS YOUR CAR?

Again, I don't know.  We have one that is blue, but we just bought a minivan (kill me now) after Lucas was born.  Not sure of the colour on that one.

48. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 48 QUESTIONS?

Meh, it was a little long.

My blogging hiatus

And the reason...

Welcome to the world, Lucas Andre... you sure were in a hurry to get here.

But I'm awfully glad to see you.

Lucas was born Saturday, December 8th, after a frantic 60 minute, 100 mph drive to the hospital.  I told Fred that if I had a baby in a car on the side of a road I would kill him.

Lucas came a month early and because of premature lungs, he is still in the NICU.  We are hoping to bring him home today.

Need I say that we are hopelessly in love?

Meeting Mattias

He doesn't get a lot of attention on this blog, but he is still a huge part of our family.  In fact, the only thing that is really little about him is his waistline (poor guy can still wear 9m shorts).

Of course, I'm talking about Mattias.  He's two now, with a personality that is larger than life.  Not a day goes by that he doesn't do something to make me laugh.

He's turned into a pretty chill toddler, (for the most part - he has his moments like any two year old), with a very sweet and caring heart.  He ooohhhs and aaahhhs over babies, and loves cuddling our dog.  He also doesn't like to see anyone sad and quickly runs to give Elise a hug when she's crying.

I can tell he's going to be a sporty little guy and loves to play "Go Bola" (his term for any sport played with a ball).  Hockey sticks, soccer balls, baseball bats, golf clubs... you name it, we have it. And he plays with reckless abandon.

I also love his passion for pretty much everything in life.  Almost any question you ask him (want to have lunch, go outside, play "go bola", etc) is answered with a, "YEEEEEAHHHHHH!"  Usually accompanied by a dance.  He loves trucks and motorcycles and each time he sees one, it's like the very first time.  "MAMA... camião!!!" (Portuguese for truck). 

He has turned out to be a very good traveller, with trips to Portugal and San Francisco under his little belt already.  During our trip to SF, we were pretty nomadic; not staying in the same place for more than three nights, PLUS all of us were in the same room, and he did awesome.  His whole schedule was out of whack, but he stayed pretty happy the whole time.

He loves Elise and they are so sweet together.  Of course they have their moments, but their adoration of each other is very obvious.  The other day I went into Elise's room to find them both lying on her bed, giggling at who knows what.  Love it.

In my humble opinion, he is Mama's little man, but he also LOVES his Papa.  He asks every morning when he wakes up, "Papa go work?" and is always sad when I answer yes.  When Fred comes home from work, Mattias lets out the sweetest little "happy shrieks".

There is so much more I could write about the littlest man to ever steal my heart, but I can't do him justice.  In his two years on this earth, he has brought so much joy to my heart.  When he naps in the afternoon, I am actually excited to get him up, because I have missed him.

His smile is contagious, his laughter infectious and I love him so much it takes my breath away.