So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, adieu

Well... we're about to be off. We have (almost) proved that it is possible to put an offer on a house, pack up one house, close on another, move about 75% of our stuff to the new house, and pack for a 17 day trip overseas, all while wrangling two kids, diabetes and a dog... and do it all in a two week time period.

Wanna know something crazy? We also tried to have new carpet installed at the new house. It didn't work out. I'm okay with that.

I think I have one strand of sanity left, and I fully expect it to snap at the airport when some jerkwad of a TSA agent decides that the apple juice I'm trying to take through security is a threat to national security. I can see the headline now... "Local woman goes crazy at airport - punches TSA agent in the nutsack".

Anyway, the ol' blog won't be totally silent. I have some re-posts scheduled. Maybe a few new ones. And if you want to hop over to my other blog, I'll be posting pictures and trip updates there.

Don't miss me too much! Okay, miss me... it's good for my ego.

And just as an FYI:
*** I've heard rumours that there are people who search blogs and facebook pages to find people who are going to be away, and then break into their houses. Fair warning: our neighbour knows we are going to be away and he'll be watching. He's ex-military, has family members who are cops, plus he owns a bunch of guns and is just dying for an excuse to use one of them. I'm just sayin'.

It IS Texas, afterall... YEE_HAW!

Read all about it

If you want to read about my experience with the speech therapist, I've posted about .
it on my other blog. Click here to read it.

Thanks to everyone who talked me down from my perch atop the cliff o' crazy. I feel better now.

Have I mentioned how much I love you guys??? You make my heart happy.

My week in bullet points

Sigh, at the risk of sounding like a broken record... could somebody please tell me that it gets better? That's not to say there weren't some good points to this past week... I'm just tired that the bad seems to always outweigh the good.

The not-so-great:

-I had to take Mattias to a GI doc in the seemingly never-ending quest to figure out why this boy won't eat. It has been frustrating, to say the least and I broke down crying in two different doctor's offices in as many days. We are now scheduled to see a nutritionist, speech therapist and do some video-swallow test. Here medical community, do you just want a blank cheque?

-Elise was with me during the appt., and when the GI doc found out she had diabetes, he asked if it was under control. Sigh.

-Mattias had two 8 hour stretches in which his diapers were completely dry, despite being nursed and fed solids. In between that stretch, he had one diaper that was so saturated, it fell off of him. Which would have freaked me out if not for the dry diapers (they all happened in a row).

-Mattias has not gained any weight (maybe 2 oz.) in three weeks.

-Fred is in Las Vegas (Hi Lexi!) for a week. That is a lot of alone time.

-Why is it when Fred is out of town, the kids both wake up crying at the EXACT same time? Last night it was 1:00 am, Mattias was hungry, and Elise was... awake. And cried off and on until 4:00 am. And went low during that time. Me so tired.

-All the docs who have seen Mattias for his "eating-problem" tell me that I must not be producing enough milk. I have been doing everything in my power (short of rx drugs) to keep my supply up, but their advice is to "rest, de-stress, and get some sleep". Bahahahahaha.

-Not being able to feed my baby makes me feel like a complete failure.

The Good:

-I will tentatively report that Mattias seems to be eating solids a bit better. It just depends on the day. Is it normal that one day he likes something and the next he refuses to eat it? Elise would always eat everything I gave her, so this is all new to me.

-Fred and I enjoyed a nice afternoon by taking the kids to a baseball game. A good time was had by all.

-My Mom is coming in 16 days. So excited!

-As I type this, Mattias is napping and Elise is cleaning her playroom without being asked. My kids are awesome.

-My wonderful friend Melissa dropped by today with a nice, frosty Starbucks drink. Just the pick-me-up I needed. Melissa rocks!

On a weird side note, I've noticed that comments I've made on your blogs are not showing up for some reason. I know I'm sleep deprived, but I also know for sure that I have been leaving comments... to the point of knowing exactly what I wrote. Blogger has been acting really weird for me lately, so I don't know if this is part of it. Just know that I am reading and commenting!

Happy Anniversary, Blog!

Two years ago I was drowning.

Two years ago I was lost.

Two years ago, I had no idea if the loneliness would ever subside.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. I used to write poetry to circumvent my teenage angst. After Elise was diagnosed, all that angst came back. Times 10. To the power of infinity. My head was going to explode if I didn't do something.

So I took a deep breath and started Death of a Pancreas. Oh sure, I had another blog, but it didn't seem to be the place for all the emotional vomiting I was going to do.

As well as a place to vent, I really wanted my blog to be a place where people in the same situation could come and see they weren't alone. Maybe to learn a few things. I wanted to share my vast two-months worth of wisdom with the world-wide-web-information-super-highway.

Instead, I was the one who was helped. I found others that had blazed this trail before me. I found encouragement. Understanding. Empathy. Friends... no, make that family. I found "same".

So on this two year blogaversary, I want to say thank you to everyone who reads my posts. Everyone who leaves comments. Everyone who has made this crazy journey a little more bearable.

And thank you, blog, for being the place where I can leave all my crazy and you never judge.

Lest We Forget

Growing up in Canada, November 11th (Remembrance Day) was a time that we would reflect and give thanks to those who gave their lives for our country.

There was always an assembly at school (usually the day before, since Remembrance Day was always a day off), marked by the reading of In Flanders Fields (see below), and the playing of Last Post. This was followed by two minutes of silence at 11:00 am (the 11th hour on the 11th day of the 11th month), the time the Armistice of World War I was signed in 1918. To this day, the sound of a lone trumpet makes me want to bow my head and stand silent.

We wear poppies on our lapel to honour our veterans; a symbol of the famous poem In Flanders Fields which was written by a Canadian during WWI. To read more about the history of the poem, you can go here.

I thought it appropriate to post the poem today, in Remembrance of all who died so we could live free.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
— Lt.-Col. John McCrae (1872 - 1918)

I'm not even kidding

I originally wrote this two years ago and posted it on my other blog. It's still as true today as it was then. I'll keep re-posting it every year until someone does something about it.

Dear Person or Persons in charge of Daylight Savings Time,

Yes I know the time change was a few days ago so this may seem a little late. You see, it took a few days to put my thoughts down into writing because I've been wandering around my house trying to figure out WHAT BLOODY TIME IT IS.

It seems some of my clocks are smarter than me and change on their own. Some, my husband changed on Sunday. And others still display the "old" time. My problem is, I can't figure out which is which.

So, onto my issue with you. I hate the very concept of DST. It is, quite simply, a load of crap. I don't care that on some farm, in a far away land it makes the cows happy, or whatever bull you're touting, but it screws with my life and it must stop. And I don't appreciate the propaganda the news is spewing by telling me, "you gain and EXTRA hour!" That is pure crap to the highest degree.

We're onto you, yes we are. Who are we? We are the parents of children who cannot tell time, and ergo do not give a flip about your stinking time change. We are the parents of children who are now waking up a FULL HOUR EARLIER than normal now, because of a reason that no longer exists. My daughter has decided to add an extra half hour to that, because that's how she rolls.

An hour may not seem like a lot to you, but when your days are filled with house-cleaning, meal-preparing, blood-sugar-checking, insulin-shot-giving, child-rearing, errand-running, diaper-changing, laundry-washing and nose-wiping; and you do it all while suffering from the 500th consecutive bad hair day, AND quite certain you have poop smeared somewhere on your person (because why else is THAT SMELL following you around the house like the dog when she's hungry), well then, I would say an hour is HUGE.

So I am urging you, PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy... do away with DST. Or I shall be forced to hunt you down, find out where you live and start banging away on your bedroom window an hour before you usually get up. I will also knee you in the groin for the extra half hour. Because that is how I roll.

Let's learn about Joanne

I wanted to do a super-cool post for today in honour of No D-Day, but let's face it... yesterday sucked it so hard I was in no mood to come up with anything. So here's a re-post of an old post from my other blog. Enjoy learning useless crap about me!

1. I love being a redhead. I often get asked if I ever hated having red hair, and I can't remember feeling that way. Do not ever refer to my hair as orange.

2. I love to make lists.

3. Especially when I get to cross stuff off.

4. I have a thing for waterfalls. I love them. I could sit and stare at a waterfall for hours.

5. I have HORRIBLE eyesight.

6. I prefer to wear contacts, but my eyes are so dry that they hurt my eyes. So glasses it is!

7. I have recurring nightmares about some sort of disaster happening and I can't find my glasses. Usually I'm being chased by someone, or there's a tornado coming.

8. Sometimes I think too much.

9. I also over think things.

10. I love being married to Fred.

11. I love being Elise's and Mattias's Mom.

12. Cats scare me.

13. I hate Dallas. But I think that's pretty obvious.

14. I want to be a doctor when I grow up.

15. Since it's a little late for that, I think I'd like to go back to school so I could work somewhere in the medical field.

16. Math makes my head hurt, but I have a good memory for numbers. Weird, eh?

17. I've been hit by a car on my bike twice. Two separate cars, on different occasions. Not the same car twice.

18. I've had 8 surgeries.

19. When I was about 4 or 5, I ran through the sliding glass door at my Mom's friend's house. I couldn't tell that it was closed, plus I've always been a bit of a klutz.

20. I have never done drugs, although the way my brain functions, I sometimes wonder if I have and just forgot about it.

21. I'm an honourary Newfie. The way this is bestowed upon you is by kissing a cod and drinking some sort of alcohol that tastes like paint thinner called "Screech".

22. My favourite band is the Hothouse Flowers. I've had the pleasure of meeting them several times, and not only are they amazing musicians, they are wonderful souls too.

23. My Dad used to grill steak on Saturday nights during hockey season. To this day, when I hear the Hockey Night in Canada theme, I smell steak.

24. I love the memory of sitting on the sofa and watching hockey with my Dad. He helped fuel my passion for the sport, even though he referred to almost every player as a bum.

25. I wanted to be a hockey play-by-play announcer when I was a kid. Still do, although I think I'd rather do colour... it's a lot less talking.

26. I wish I could sing. I mean, I can sing, but I'm sure most people rather I didn't. So I guess I wish I had talent as a singer.

27. I have a hard time forgiving people.

28. Even though I am forgiven. That makes me sad.

29. I'm starting to think this list is rather self-indulgent. Really, who cares about this stuff?

30. But I'm going to finish it anyway.

31. I love getting mail. Junk, bills... whatever. However, I am sad when I ONLY get junk and bills.

32. I tend to be rather hard on myself.

33. I wake up every morning with a song in my head.

34. My favourite hockey team is the Canucks.

35. I like quotes and I used to collect them. By collect them, I mean I had a book I would write them down in. I wish that I was smart enough to come up with some pithy statement that people will be saying hundreds of years from now.

36. I also collect old coins and bills.

37. I think that last fact makes me a nerd.

38. My younger brother is adopted... at least that's what my older brother and I used to tell him. But didn't every sibling tell the other this?

39. I can't believe it took me this long to put this one in, but I AM CANADIAN!

40. I think I hit my peak when I was 12.

41. Becoming a mother has made me more thankful of everything my mother did for me.

42. At one point in my life, I worked for a bank. This one branch I was at for only 8 months was held up 3 times while I worked there. I was held up one of those times... scary stuff. Although the guy was caught about 30 minutes later ordering a cheeseburger at McDonald's. Hee.

43. I tend to feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

44. I didn't own a cell phone until after Elise was born. I have no idea what my phone number is, and until this year had texted anybody. Most days, I have no idea where the silly thing is.

45. When I was 17, I travelled through DFW (the airport, not the metroplex) on my way to Guatemala. I looked outside the airport and told my best friend that I would never live in a place like this. God has a weird sense of humour.

46. I would NEVER live in Hawaii. Did you hear that one, God?

47. I would so live in Hawaii.

48. I tend to stick my foot in my mouth. A lot.

49. Every time I see a UPS or Fedex truck drive up my street, I hope it will stop at my house.

50. I'm a bit of a perfectionist, but only in stuff that matters to me.

Taking the stroller outside

This is a cross-post/re-post... two for the price of one! I originally posted it on my other blog about a year ago, during a particularly hard time. Since it has a bit to do with diabetes, I thought I'd use it as a re-post in my absence.

I've said it before, in this post, that if I were a super hero my name would probably be something like Miss Meticulous. As much as I would like to think of myself as a zany, crazy, spur-of-the-moment type of gal, deep down I know I am just kidding myself.

Lately I've been noticing that the overly anal-retentive side of my personality is creeping up on me, and I'm afraid it's going to take over like a rising tide. If you've ever lived near the ocean then you know what it's like to be playing out on dry sand, and the next thing you know you're knee deep in water and your beach blanket looks very, very far away.

I relish order and, for lack of a better word, cleanliness to my life. And although this is an okay thing in small doses, I don't want it to stop me from living my life.

Elise has this baby doll stroller and she loves to toddle around the house with it. She puts her doll in it and strolls around; clucking her tongue and telling baby, "it s'okay, be-be, it s'okay". Apparently, her baby is suffering from some sort of angst... all the time. The other day she had the idea that it would be fun to take it on our walk with us. You know, outside.

I kneeled down and told her that no, the stroller needs to stay in the house. If we take it outside, the wheels will get dirty, and then track the dirt inside. And I'm the one that will most likely end up carrying it home (I added silently in my brain). As she started protesting violently, as only Elise knows how, I thought about how ludicrous my reasoning was.

But this line of thought is in lock-step with how I've been living my life lately. I refrain from doing things just because it's messy, or hard. The long and the short of it is; it's just easier to keep the stroller at home. If you've been reading for awhile, then you know that my daughter, now 22 months old, was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 12 months. And it has made life hard. And messy. And it has made me afraid.

My day-to-day routine is peppered with "what-ifs". I hate to stray to far away from the house lest something happen with Elise's diabetes. Plus I'm starting to feel like a bloody pack mule with all the stuff I need to carry around for her. And forget travelling. Trying to go through security with all Elise's supplies and food, not to mention what if something happens when we're in the air? Forget it. It's too messy and it's too hard.

But it's dawning on me that I'm not really living my life, I'm hiding from it. Life is messy, it's dirty, and man-oh-man is it hard. But isn't it during those times when you have the most fun?

I can remember when I was 15 or so, I was at my soccer practice one night when the sky opened up and it started to pour. Some of the more adventurous ones on my team thought that was a grand time to practise slide-tackling. In the mud.

I stood on the sidelines and said, "no thank you, I'd rather not have to scoop mud pies out of my shorts" (not those kind of mud pies you dirty, dirty people). But as I watched them, I saw the fun that they were having, I realized that I was missing out, so I took a flying leap into the biggest mud puddle I could find. And yeah I was dirty, but I had a load of chuckles with my team mates that night.

It's a stroller, and what else is it meant for if not for my little girl to take it on a walk around the neighbourhood? So what if the wheels get dirty? It's not like I'm trying to keep it in pristine condition for re-sale on EBay or something. The stroller, like life, is meant to be taken outside and used. And if I end up carrying it, and Elise, and her baby doll for a quarter of a mile; well, so be it. I could use the exercise.

I think what I'm trying to say is that for the past year I've been living my life in a box. Or a hole. Or behind a curtain. Or locked up in a tiny, windowless room with no light or sound being able to penetrate the walls. And I want out.

I want to know what it's like to live again.

For those of you who like happy endings... proof that I did, indeed, take the stroller outside. I like to think it was the beginning of emerging from my funk.

I miss you guys!

Just wanted to quickly post and say how removed I feel from all the D-Peeps out there. I've been trying to keep up with everyone's blogs, but we have been sooooo busy. I have a few posts on my other blog with some pics of what we've been up to. Click here to check them out if you're inclined.

Elise's number have been pretty good... definitely running on the low side. We had one very scary incident at dinner (at a restaurant) last night. She was 168 before dinner. We gave her her insulin and then about 15 minutes later she started to eat.

About 20 minutes later, she started absolutely WAILING. We could not figure out what the deal was, so we checked her and her BG was 38. HOLY %@$&%!.

We gave her 15g of juice, but it took a good hour and about 80g of carbs (35g over and above her dinner amount) just to get her into the low 100s. It was bizarre and we still can't figure out what happened. Of course about 4 hours later, she rebounded into the 300s. Sigh.

Anyway, hope all is well with you guys. Can't wait to catch up with your lives!

Three cheers for sugar-free antibiotics!

We are now almost on day 3 of using the sugar-free Amoxicillin, and I have to report that I am very pleased! We did see a bit of a spike on the first day of using it, but we made some adjustments and only have to give her one unit extra of diluted Humalog, as opposed to the 3 extra units with the full sugar stuff.

And the pharmacy we got it at is wonderful... before they filled it, they saw the special order for sugar-free and called to ask if we wanted to do the flavouring or not, and if we did, did we want to add a sweetener. They said that without it, the antibiotic would taste pretty bad and they were worried she wouldn't take it. Thankfully, they offered stevia (which is a natural sweetener).

Then, after my husband brought it home, I had to call to ask some questions about the dosing instructions. The pharmacist double-checked everything, and even asked me questions about Elise's age and weight to make sure she was getting the right dose.

What a far cry from Dr. Surly (if you don't know who Dr. Surly is, I posted about him on my other blog... click on his name to read it).

And I'm also happy to report that Elise has been fever-free for 24 hours and seems to be feeling better. So yay for sugar-free antibiotics!

Why my husband rocks

I need to brag on Fred for a moment. If you read my other blog, you know that both of us came down with food poisoning on Monday night. I caught the brunt of it, since I ate most of the food, and became very, very sick. I actually was in bed for about 33 hours, only leaving to go to the bathroom and... well, you know.

But Fred was sick too, and through the whole thing he; worked from home, took care of me, wrangled Elise, and did an amazing job managing her diabetes. Just check out these numbers:

7:29 am - 104
10:35 am - 65 (okay, so that one was a little low)
12:04 pm - 76*
2:40 pm - 76*
4:46 pm - 137
6:34 pm - 90
8:17 pm - 136

*Those numbers are lower than we like to see, but they came at a time when her BG typically starts going down and he was just a bit late getting Elise her lunch and snack.

My husband is THE superstar of superstars, and I am so thankful to be married to such an amazing guy. I was so sick that there was no way I would have been able to take care of Elise, and it is so nice to know I have such great back-up.

MWAH! Love you, Freddie!

Snowpocolypse!

If you haven't heard... we're having a bit of a snow storm in Texas. I posted some pics on my other blog if you want to take a peek. Click here to see my little snow bunny, Elise!

Hellooooo!

I managed to write a little update on what's been happening with me on my other blog. You can read it here.

I've missed you guys sooooooooo much.

Still alive...

Just a quick note to say, yes... I am still alive.

This whole past week has really kicked my butt and I'm still trying to recover. My house looks like a garbage dump threw up in it, and my family just might resort to eating dog food if I don't get my act together.

I wonder how many carbs are in dog food?

Anyway, if you don't frequent my other blog, I wrote the whole sordid story about my mom and her hospital experience down in a post over there. Click here to read it.

Sorry for my continued silence and lack of participation on all of your blogs. I'm hoping to be back in the swing of things soon.

Odds and bits, ends and pieces

I have really been bad about posting over here... it's not for lack of things to say, I've just been posting quite a bit on my other blog and have developed a very bad case of carpel tunnel (edited to add: it's not carpel tunnel after all... sounds more like Ulnar Nerve Entrapment. Oh internet, is there anything you don't know?) . It's gotten so bad my pinkie finger on my right hand goes numb whenever I start typing.

Anyway, here are my various thoughts in short form before this gets too painful:

• We seem to have steadied Elise's overnight BG by lowering her night time N from 3.5 units to 2.5. That's a pretty big decrease, but it seems to be working. We're still having some issues with her BG dropping after her bedtime snack (going from an okay bedtime number to a not-so-great one).
  
• The endo thinks this may be because of a delayed response to her dinner time DH. No idea why she's having this response all of a sudden. Anyone else ever experience this?
  
• We had GREAT Christmas day numbers. In fact they were the best they've been in awhile.


• I wasn't going to do any Christmas baking because the thought of it made me very sad. But after I kicked myself in the butt (a very difficult maneuver by the way), I decided to try a somewhat healthier version of gingerbread cookies using a recipe I came up with. And by that I mean I used whole wheat flour. They still came out tasting AMAZING, and Elise and I even decorated them using a touch of royal icing and one M&M.
  
• Even though we've been getting by with fewer night checks, I'm still very, very tired. I was so spoiled over the holidays... Fred took over the morning duties and I got to sleep in every day until about 10:00 am. So sad that it's over.
  
• Still having issues with her going low during her nap, even with a snack right before nap time. Since Elise has moved to her big-girl bed (you can read about that on my other blog), she's started taking longer to fall asleep. Today I used this to my advantage to figure out what was happening:

1:00 pm - BG is 130. I give her about 6g, which should nudge her up by 30 -50.
1:40 pm - BG is now 108. I giver her another 6g.
2:45 pm - BG upon waking up is 164. That's more like it.

• Yesterday She was 146 going into nap time, and I gave her about 4g. When she woke up she was in the 300s. At dinner, mid-300s. After today, I definitely know she's going low sometime during her nap. We're trying a combo of less NPH in the morning and more carbs at lunch.

So this turned out to be quite long and now my whole arm is numb. I hope I can fix this soon... what will I do without my therapy?

Merry Christmas everybody!

I just wanted to thank EVERYONE for their kind words, encouragement and support during these past rough weeks. We're still in the midst of it, but that's not what this post is about.

I also wanted to say thank you for all the wonderful cards we've been receiving. I'm sorry I was not "with it" enough to reciprocate, but I loved seeing the pictures of all my D-buddies I've made over the past year. You guys have made a very tough journey a little easier and Fred, Elise and I are blessed by every one of you.

If you want to see some fun pics of how we celebrated our Christmas Eve, you can click over to my other blog, here.

Here's our Christmas picture that sure would have looked cute sent out in the mail, but looks just as cute on my blog.

Merry Christmas, I wish God's richest blessings upon you!

Rest in peace, Grammy Ann

I am very sad to say that my lovely Grammy Ann passed away today. I posted on my other blog about it; you can read it here. If you would, please pray for my family.

Thank you.

Wasn't this a song from the Lion King?

I am very honoured that TWO people have now listed my name for this award. I hope this means I don't have to list 10 things that I love!!! Here goes:

1) That would of course be my amazing husband, Fred. He is incredible and he does so much for Elise and I. And more importantly, he puts up with me and all my many quirks. It's a lot of work, people... trust me!

2) Elise. I love this girl oh-so-much, and I cannot imagine life without her. Everyone who meets her falls head-over-heels in love with her amazing joie de vivre attitude. She constantly astounds and challenges me. Can you tell how crazy I am about her?

3) This wonderful community of D-Bloggers. I would not be as strong as I am without you.

4) Laughing. I love to laugh and make people laugh. It cleanses the soul. There's a saying; "The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed." I believe that with all my heart.

5) My most favourite band, the Hothouse Flowers. I am very picky about the music I listen to, but I LOVE THIS BAND. Not only for their beautiful lyrics and songs, but for the wonderful people they are.

Now for my nominations:

Nicole - The ride of our lives

Beth - Rambling of a Tired Mom

Chasiti - AJsmommy

Maria - On the Carosel of Time

Okay, I can't think of any more. It's late and I need to go to bed. It was a rough night with Elise last night, but her fever broke by morning and although her BG has been running a little high, we got rid of the ketones and she seems do be doing better.

One last note, if you want to see some of the pics from my SF trip, I have the first of two posts up on my other blog. Click here to see it.

Good night.

Phoning it in

Yup, I'm being lazy again and just posting the link to my other blog for our cutting-down-of-the-Christmas-tree story and pictures. Click here if you are so inclined.

Pictures!

If you would like to see our cute, little Hallowe'enie, I posted a bunch of pictures on my other blog (read: I'm too lazy to re-post them here). Click here to check them out.