Maybe if I ask nicely...

Dear Diabetes,

I wonder, do you have a pact with the universe to bring it at the most inopportune times? To kick us when we're down? Do you see us in difficult situations, call up the universe on his cell phone and tell him, "it's go time!"

Because that's what it seems like to me. Realistically, there's never really a good time to deal with you when you decide to rear your butt-ugly head. But really, some times are better than others.

Like, why do you decide to crash Elise's BG while I'm nursing and alone? Kinda hard to treat a low BG while you have a baby attached to your boob. And do you know what happens when you pull the baby off in the middle of you milk letting down? Milk shower for everyone... YAY!

Or take for example the other night... it's just me, all by my lonesome, and it's time for Elise's BG check, snack and shot. Mattias also needs to eat and is getting quite fussy. So I check her BG, make her snack, prepare her shot, then settle down to feed Mattias while she eats. For some reason, she decides to get upset about something, drop her yogurt all over the carpet and then start to scream. Which freaks out Mattias; he stops feeding and starts to cry. Then spits up all over me and the sofa. And then refuses to feed.

Meanwhile, I have no idea how much of her yogurt Elise has eaten, how much is now on my carpet, how how many carbs I need to replace. Seriously... do you find situations like these humourous?

Or how about this past Friday... date night. I use the term "date night" rather loosely since dragging 2 kids and three bags o' crap to dinner with you, is in no way a date. But it's okay, because someone else is doing the cooking.

So why, 30 minutes after dinner, is Elise's CGM telling us her BG is 48 with double arrows down? And why while we're driving? Do you know how hard it is to check a BG while in a moving car? Of course you do... that's why it happened this way. And why, after stuffing 20g of smarties and fruit snacks in her, does the CGM still read LOW with a slanting downwards arrow? And why won't Mattias stop SCREAMING?

Look, all I'm asking for is a bit of a break. I'm tired. I'm beaten down. I'm stressed and I'm sad and I'm struggling. I just need you to go sit in the corner and behave for a bit, okay? Please?

Thank you for your attention in this matter.

Sincerely,
Joanne

Panic

You'll have to excuse me... I'm having a bit of a moment right now.

As in, I'm freaking out. With a capital FREAKING and a capital OUT.

It dawned on me today that my due date is in exactly 3 months, although the actual day will be a lot sooner because of the fact I have to have a scheduled c-section.

And were are so not ready.

We are not ready in the usual ways; we still need a tonne of various baby accoutrements, there are rooms to rearrange, logistics to figure out... a name for the baby. But that's not what has me in the midst of a panic attack.

What really is scaring me is that we have no plan dealing with what to do with Elise when it's time for this little guys arrival.

The original plan was for my Mom to come and help out. That looks like it might not happen, and unfortunately there is no plan B.

Fred's Mom has offered, and I love her to death, but she has never stayed with us for more than a few days. She has never tested a BG, counted a carb, checked for ketones, or given a shot. It just won't work to have her come is a few days early and receive a crash course on diabetes. It's not fair to her, or to Elise.

Laura and Jessica have offered to help, and again... I love those girls, but they have their own burdens to bear. Plus, they both live about 30 to 45 minutes away from the hospital, and that's just too far away for my peace of mind.

Do I sound like I'm being high maintenance? I've struggled with that, but I think it all boils down to this; Elise has never been away from me for more than about 4 hours. And the first time we're going to be doing this is at a time when I'm going through something very stressful (surgery, birthing a baby etc.). I don't think I need an added stress at that point.

I think what kicked all this panic off was the rough night we had on Friday. It actually started when she woke up from her nap at 42. From there she was 70 at bedtime, and through the night we struggled to keep her above 60. We checked her almost every hour, and no matter how many extra carbs we gave her, she kept falling low. It was a nightmare, and who can handle that but the ones who have been dealing with it for almost two years now?

I hate this disease and how it rules our lives. How I can't even look forward in anticipation to the birth of my son, instead fearing and dreading the day because of how diabetes may interfere.

Carrie and Christine

Growing up, we lived down the street from a little girl named Carrie (not her real name). We used to play together, and she would come to all the birthday parties. She also had diabetes. But I was only 6 at the time and it didn't mean a whole lot to me. Just that she couldn't have a lot of sugar, which I thought was a big, fat bummer. But it was never that big of a deal.

In Junior high, I met a girl named Christine (again not her real name). She also had diabetes, but was the exact opposite of everything I had seen with Carrie. She was as non-compliant as they came, and would often eat a chocolate bar and diet Coke for lunch. That is, if she ate lunch at all. She was always passing out at school, but would laugh about it afterward.

Christine's home life was a mess; a Dad (who was also T1), who spent more time at work (in another city, no less) than at home. Four brothers who reveled in making their only sister's life miserable. A Mom who let the kids do whatever they want. Now that I understand a little more about the human psyche, I can understand why Christine was the way she was.

I remember she had a BG meter that was about the size of today's netbooks. Sometimes she would check my sugar, and I can still remember how much those lancets HURT. I also remember loving to go over to her house because they always had a tonne of junk food and free reign on whatever was in the cupboards.

Christine and I had a falling out and lost touch when we were about 14. I never saw her or heard from her again until I was 20.

I was sitting in the holding room on the set of a TV show (I used to extra work in my spare time when I was in Vancouver... most boring job EVER!), when I was approached by someone I didn't know. Until she asked if I was Joanne so-and-so, and then introduced herself as Christine. I would have never recognised her in a million years.

The long and short of it was; she did not look well. Not healthy in the slightest. I wondered (but did not ask) if she ever started taking care of herself. By the looks of things, the answer was no. We spent some time catching up, and then never saw each other again after that day.

When Elise was dx, it was Christine's face that my mind flashed to. The worst of the two diabetes examples I had. It's just in my nature to go to the worst-case scenario. I sometimes still see Christine's face when I look at Elise.

I also wonder what ever became of Carrie. How is she doing? How did she cope, growing up with diabetes? What is her life like today? I'm pretty sure I could track her down if I wanted to... but for some reason, I don't want to.

I have read the blogs of many adult T1 diabetics who were diagnosed as small children, and it is my hope that Elise does as well as any of them. But I get scared. I have a strong-willed child, who lately is wrestling me for control. A lot of the time I don't feel like I'm equipped to handle this. I want her to do well; five years down the road, ten years down the road... for the rest of her life. I just don't want to fail her.

Sometimes the duty of being a parent of a type 1 kid can be overwhelming.

Out of the loop

Wow, I feel so far removed from what has been happening with all you guys. Life has been crazy since we returned home and I haven't really had a chance to catch up on all your blogs. It might take me a month, but I'll do it!

First (and worst) of all, Elise's BG has been all over the stinkin' map since Thursday, which was the day we switched from diluted Humalog to full-strength. It has seriously been a nightmare, I think we were up every hour last night checking her and had to stop a low on two separate occasions.

Then tonight as we were putting her to bed, she started asking for banana and goldfish, something she does only when she's going low. I started to disregard her, chalking it up to wanting to stall the inevitable (the timing just didn't make sense for her to be low), but my Mommy-instinct kicked in and I checked her anyway. She was at 66.

It was weird for a bunch of reasons, #1: at that hour (9:30), she should have had no active insulin. She received her dinnertime H at 5:10 (with a BG of 334). Reason #2: she had a 15g snack at about 7:50 (BG was 169), that amount of carbs at that time usually shoots her into the low 200s by 11:00. Reason #3: she received her bedtime shot of N (a decreased dose by .5 units) at 8:30 and 1 hour is way, way too early for the N to be doing anything to her BG. We usually see it affect her BG by hour 4.

The only thing that was out of the ordinary was that as she was nursing before bedtime, she started to cough so hard that she threw up (milk only). It was about 30 minutes later that she started asking for food. I don't think it was enough to cause her to go that low.

I know Humalog is supposed to peak around the 2-hour mark and be pretty much gone by hour 4. But could the full-strength be affecting her differently because her body is used to diluted? She used to get 10 units of DH at dinner, and now we give her 2 units (although tonight was 2.5 because she was so high). Or is it just a coincidence that we've started having all these issues when we moved from diluted to full-strength?

There are also a bunch of other variables going on; Fred's family is in town and she's so busy having fun playing with her cousin, all this visiting has led to late bedtimes and a somewhat disrupted schedule.

I just feel so overwhelmed right now. I'm not sleeping. I'm barely eating. My house should be declared a disaster-zone. I have no food in the house since I haven't had a chance to go grocery shopping since we got home. I'm too tired to try and make any sense of Elise's numbers and how to fix our insulin problem. My to-do list is about 3 miles long and I can't get my act together to take care of any of it. Our Christmas tree is up, but has no decorations or lights on it and I have yet to take all the Christmas stuff out of storage. And let's not even get started on the Christmas shopping. I might just start to cry if I think too hard about it all.

Instead I will just emotionally vomit all over you guys while I try to figure out a way to clone myself.