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Sunday, June 13, 2010

Panic

You'll have to excuse me... I'm having a bit of a moment right now.

As in, I'm freaking out. With a capital FREAKING and a capital OUT.

It dawned on me today that my due date is in exactly 3 months, although the actual day will be a lot sooner because of the fact I have to have a scheduled c-section.

And were are so not ready.

We are not ready in the usual ways; we still need a tonne of various baby accoutrements, there are rooms to rearrange, logistics to figure out... a name for the baby. But that's not what has me in the midst of a panic attack.

What really is scaring me is that we have no plan dealing with what to do with Elise when it's time for this little guys arrival.

The original plan was for my Mom to come and help out. That looks like it might not happen, and unfortunately there is no plan B.

Fred's Mom has offered, and I love her to death, but she has never stayed with us for more than a few days. She has never tested a BG, counted a carb, checked for ketones, or given a shot. It just won't work to have her come is a few days early and receive a crash course on diabetes. It's not fair to her, or to Elise.

Laura and Jessica have offered to help, and again... I love those girls, but they have their own burdens to bear. Plus, they both live about 30 to 45 minutes away from the hospital, and that's just too far away for my peace of mind.

Do I sound like I'm being high maintenance? I've struggled with that, but I think it all boils down to this; Elise has never been away from me for more than about 4 hours. And the first time we're going to be doing this is at a time when I'm going through something very stressful (surgery, birthing a baby etc.). I don't think I need an added stress at that point.

I think what kicked all this panic off was the rough night we had on Friday. It actually started when she woke up from her nap at 42. From there she was 70 at bedtime, and through the night we struggled to keep her above 60. We checked her almost every hour, and no matter how many extra carbs we gave her, she kept falling low. It was a nightmare, and who can handle that but the ones who have been dealing with it for almost two years now?

I hate this disease and how it rules our lives. How I can't even look forward in anticipation to the birth of my son, instead fearing and dreading the day because of how diabetes may interfere.

18 comments:

  1. Sweet crazy girl! You are going through exactly what I went through with Ms. J when I had Little G (although my c-section wasn't planned, hehe). Have you considered hiring someone to stay at your house with Elise while you're in the hospital? I may have a few people that you could talk to that have first hand experience with D and understand the importance of scheduling. Will Fred be spending the night with you at the hospital?

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  2. @ A - I don't know how Elise would react to being left with a complete stranger. She's only been left with family before (and only for an hour or so), and we have some attachment issues. I think no matter what happens, Fred will be going home at night to be with Elise.

    I might be asking the hospital if we can bring a pack n' play so Elise can just stay with us if all else fails.

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  3. I went through the same kind of panic when we had Leo. And that was pre-diagnosis! I'm sure diabetes adds a whole lot more worry into the panic, but the panic itself is so incredibly normal. And no matter how much you panic and worry, it all turns out okay in the end. If nothing else, since it's a scheduled c-section, you can just have someone watch Elise while you're in surgery and have your hubby go get her as soon as you're out so she'll be there when you wake up.

    Kids are amazing though. I was the same way with Lily, never away from her for more than a couple of hours before having Leo. She wasn't bothered by being away from me for a night at all and I worried and stressed over her the whole time I was away! Amazing how much better they are at dealing with those things than we are!

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  4. I don't think you are being high maintenance at all! I was freaked out about leaving my Emma for that long when I had my little boy, and she didn't even have D then!

    Good luck in figuring out a plan that you all feel comfortable with. I will say prayers for you!

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  5. From one control freak to another: ;)

    You can do this. You can't control everything, and there is a lot you can't plan out in advance, but the upside is... there is A LOT you can. the way I deal with the unknowns is to do all I can to make things I can predict easier. You will need to eat. Elise will need to eat. You can get snacks ready in reusable containers with carbs counted out and freeze meals ahead of time and get the rest ready.Let me come over and help tackle stuff! And what do you need for that baby? I have been getting ready to get rid of some stuff.
    Call me. We can fix this. :)

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  6. Also, forgot to mention that one of my pregnancy nightmares was about feeding Liam goldfish while I was in labor, since I hadn't left him before and wasn't sure we'd have help. And that was pre-DX. Elise can always come over for a sleep over. I could call Fred with each check, meal so he could walk me through... offer still stands!

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  7. When I had Alivia Anthony was 2 at the time and I COULD NOT leave him! And since I had a C-section I needed someone to stay and help the 1st night since I couldn't get out of bed. My solution, my Mom stayed with me and Tony stayed home with Anthony. Maybe your MIL could stay and help you!

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  8. You are definately NOT high maintenance!

    I can understand your fear and I know that you and Fred will figure out what is going to work best for your family.

    I'm sending some big hugs your way my friend!

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  9. So not high maintenance! I would be in a panic in your shoes as well. God has the perfect plan. The thing with God though is He is rarely ever early but He is NEVER late either. I will pray for peace for you as you round out the end of this pregnancy and a perfect plan for Elise's care while you are in the hospital. Good luck!

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  10. I was 20 weeks preggo with Kaelyn when Addy was dx....we had a friend who stepped up at her dx and knew right away that we'd need someone to help. She was a GODSEND. She kept her overnight when I went into labor. I stayed alone in the hospital.

    When we moved to AZ, we weren't planning on more kiddos. Then there was Maya. No family. New neighborhood. It plagued my spirit for my entire pregnancy.

    We trained a neighbor couple and had them "practice" a few times. Because Addy was pumping, it made it SO MUCH easier. We didn't have to worry about someone mis-reading the syringe or messing up the math. The IOB feature accounted for her blood sugar and subtracted active insulin from boluses.

    At any rate, my point is, that we were able to "train" our neighbors...but not for long term, and, most certainly, not for overnight. Just enough to get Jason at my side for her birth.

    The neighbors were going out of town on her due date -- so that forced an induction....something I never would have opted for.

    Fortunately, early labor started around 3 am, so things were moving along nicely by the time I arrived for my "scheduled time". I ended up laboring alone. Jason dropped me off and I registered myself. I walked the halls and sat on the ball, and then called him when I was 5 - 6.

    As soon as he arrived, I insisted they break my water -- again, not something I would have ever opted for. But I wanted to move things along so we could get him back to Addy.

    He arrived at noon -- Maya arrived at 3 -- he left at 5....and I stayed alone again until we went home 2 days later.

    Diabetes affects so much more than just the day to day stuff.

    There I was...a doula...and, yet, there I was. In labor alone.

    I will pray that you find an answer you're comfortable with quickly.

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  11. Yes I would vote for M.I.L to come help you and Fred could stay with elise but then Fred would miss the little man being born and that would not be fair to Fred .Maybe your mom can come after all who knows , things usually work themselves out .

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  12. Just thinking here.... Would you be able to have Elise with you at the hospital? What about a doula? Then you would have someone with you and Fred would be a little more free to take care of Elise.

    I know what's it's like to want to control everything. Trust Me! But please consider letting your friends help you! Maybe one of the girls could come to the hospital to stay with Elise? start doing a couple of practice runs now having them watch her a little while?

    I had to be ok with my parents taking care of Avery for an entire work day when I went back to work. I had to because there was no other choice. I had to work. And it's been fine. We were still doing shots at first. They practiced a lot. And then they called me (they still do) whenever they had a question. And at first that was every number!! I was worried - but it's been fine.

    You've got some time to get Elise used to a new person if that is the route that you go. You've got time to teach someone if you choose. You've got time. I know it seems really soon but 3 months is a long time, too!

    It will all work out, Jo. I know it's scary. And I wish there was an easy answer! (((hugs))) to you!

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  13. Oh....this is a toughie! :( You'll figure it...there's a solution somewhere! You have some time to be pro-active...everyone gave some great suggestions! It WILL work out and Elise will do fabulously!

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  14. DON'T PANIC!!!! You are doing GREAT! Elisa is doing GREAT! You are a GREAT mom and you are going to get through this.

    I know sometimes diabetes seems to take all the joy out of life---and hey, I've only been at this for 3 months.

    But God will help you come up with a perfect plan that will work for all of you! I will be praying that, Sweet Friend!

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  15. I am sure you definitely want Fred at the hospital. But your MIL to help you over night might be great so that he can be home with Elise.

    Take Jessica/Laura up on their offer... at least during delivery. It's scheduled so you can all plan :) That's what friends are there for... I am sure you would have 100 offers if we all lived close enough.

    Deep breath... It will be okay... no need for stress when you have awesome friends :)

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  16. You can do this. You will do this! You are aawwwweeesoommme! That was my pep talk!

    I think you can take everyones advice and come up with a great plan! She only gets like 3 shots a day, right? Or is it two? Chances are Fred will be able to run home and take care of that...and if you have snacks counted out and ready...it can work! Good luck friend!

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  17. your friends have already given some good advice and encouragement, so i won't try to do something better...i can just add this to my list of "why diabetes sucks" entry....:( i will pray that the timing all works out and you can be at peace with whatever decision you make. . . .

    mj

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  18. Joanne-

    I really admire all you d-moms with little ones. I don't know how you all manage it. Take the help and be gentle with yourself. I hope you find a solution so you can enjoy the last bit of your pregnancy. (I know it's uncomfortable and hard to sleep!) but it is also the only time you don't have to share your new baby- you have him all to yourself for a bit longer.:) Sending love and peace your way.

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