Panic

You'll have to excuse me... I'm having a bit of a moment right now.

As in, I'm freaking out. With a capital FREAKING and a capital OUT.

It dawned on me today that my due date is in exactly 3 months, although the actual day will be a lot sooner because of the fact I have to have a scheduled c-section.

And were are so not ready.

We are not ready in the usual ways; we still need a tonne of various baby accoutrements, there are rooms to rearrange, logistics to figure out... a name for the baby. But that's not what has me in the midst of a panic attack.

What really is scaring me is that we have no plan dealing with what to do with Elise when it's time for this little guys arrival.

The original plan was for my Mom to come and help out. That looks like it might not happen, and unfortunately there is no plan B.

Fred's Mom has offered, and I love her to death, but she has never stayed with us for more than a few days. She has never tested a BG, counted a carb, checked for ketones, or given a shot. It just won't work to have her come is a few days early and receive a crash course on diabetes. It's not fair to her, or to Elise.

Laura and Jessica have offered to help, and again... I love those girls, but they have their own burdens to bear. Plus, they both live about 30 to 45 minutes away from the hospital, and that's just too far away for my peace of mind.

Do I sound like I'm being high maintenance? I've struggled with that, but I think it all boils down to this; Elise has never been away from me for more than about 4 hours. And the first time we're going to be doing this is at a time when I'm going through something very stressful (surgery, birthing a baby etc.). I don't think I need an added stress at that point.

I think what kicked all this panic off was the rough night we had on Friday. It actually started when she woke up from her nap at 42. From there she was 70 at bedtime, and through the night we struggled to keep her above 60. We checked her almost every hour, and no matter how many extra carbs we gave her, she kept falling low. It was a nightmare, and who can handle that but the ones who have been dealing with it for almost two years now?

I hate this disease and how it rules our lives. How I can't even look forward in anticipation to the birth of my son, instead fearing and dreading the day because of how diabetes may interfere.

Obsess much?

These days, Elise's daytime numbers are pretty predictable. I can usually guess within about 30 points of where it's going to be at any given time. I guess that's because things have been pretty calm for the last month or two, and I've gotten pretty good at figuring out how many extra carbs to give her when she's active. The fact that we weigh everything and the foods she eats are pretty consistent doesn't hurt either.

But yesterday threw me for a total loop when her pre-nap number rang in at 397. What the CRAP? She's usually anywhere between 90 and 150. She had worked herself into a pretty good tantrum over wanting a pacifier (another "WTC" moment - she's NEVER taken a pacifier in her life, she just happened upon one that was left in our house by a friend), and I had figured she was just tired.

So I went down my checklist...

Ketones? Nope, 0.0 on the blood ketone meter.

Any other signs of illness? A quick swipe of the temporal thermometer showed no fever.

Any foods at lunch she doesn't normally eat? Uh-huh... homemade chicken soup, veggie chips, grapes and some drinkable yogurt.

Rebound from a low? Not very likely... she was 159 at lunch and I checked her about 90 minutes post-lunch. No signs of a low, and she usually gives some indication.

Not an insulin problem... she doesn't get a shot at lunch time, because her morning NPH covers her, and I know that insulin is still good.

So then what the what caused this huge spike? All I can think of is she got into some food (something she's never done), or perhaps I wasn't careful about the weighing (didn't tare the scale, etc.).

When she woke up from her nap 90 minutes later, she was 413 with 0.3 ketones, but in a much better mood.

I don't normally get so crazy over her numbers, but when one comes out of left field like this, it's always a brutal reminder that this disease is anything but predictable. Today, all her numbers have gotten back to "normal", coming in at 113 right before her nap.

That's more like it (but I'm still obsessing over that number from yesterday).