Her Sam: revisited

Last night I was watching the end of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.  And when it got to the part where sweet, brave Samwise Gamgee carries Frodo on his back to the fires of Mount Doom, it brought back a post I had written years ago.  I wanted to re-post it because D has been kicking our butts lately. Sometimes I get so caught up in the craziness of dealing with this disease that I lose sight of what is most important of all... 
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If you've been reading this blog for awhile, then you know I love Lord of the Rings. Although Frodo is the protagonist and main hero of the story, he's not my favourite. Legolas and Aragon provided some great eye candy in the movie, but they didn't take top spot either. And while I can totally identify with the craziness of the Gollum/Smeagol thing, he/they aren't it either.

The one character that gives me the warm fuzzies is Sam. Sweet, lovable, Samwise Gamgee. Frodo's gardener-turned-sidekick for the epic journey to destroy the ring.

As Frodo became weak under the burden of the Ring, Sam carried most of the luggage, cooked, kept watch at night, and rationed the food so he and Frodo had enough for the journey. He protected and took care of Frodo as they moved through the dangerous lands toward Mordor.

At one point, on Mount Doom, Frodo collapses. Exhausted, he can go no further. Sam, while exhausted himself, tries to rally Frodo. He asks him to remember all the wonderful things about the Shire; the orchards that will soon be in blossom. The birds nesting in the hazel thicket. Summer barley and the eating of strawberries with cream.

Frodo cannot. He is done. Seeing this Sam yells, "Come on, Mr. Frodo. I can't carry it (the ring) for you... but I can carry you!" and slings Frodo over his shoulder to carry him to the end of his task.

That scene? Chills. Every time.

We all need a Samwise Gamgee in our lives. For the times when we collapse under the burden of our ring and have nothing left to give.

And I hope to be this for Elise as she grows up and the ring becomes her burden to bear. Right now it is mine. And that's okay. I would carry it forever if I could.

But I know that when she grows older, there will be days where she feels like Frodo on Mount Doom. So weary and tired. The responsibility and never-endingness of the disease will take it's toll on her.

And I pray I can be there for her; unable to bear the burden for her, but more than capable of carrying her when she can't walk. For as long as I am able, I will travel this road with her, making the epic journey and lifting her up when she needs it. I will remind her about the orchids, and the strawberries with cream.

I will be her Sam... for as long as she needs me.

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Becoming Gollum

A few months ago, I re-read the Lord of the Rings trilogy, a feat unto itself considering how weighty a tome it is, and how little time I have. Stolen moments to read are almost non-existent these days.

But finish it I did, and I was struck by how each time I read it, a different aspect of the story sticks out to me. This time it was Gollum who struck a chord with me.

For those of you unfamiliar with Gollum's story, once upon a time he was Sméagol, a hobbit just like Frodo and Sam. He and a friend happened upon the ring while fishing. Overcome by the power of the ring, Sméagol decided he must have it and killed his friend; taking the ring for himself.

Shunned by family and friends, he retreated into a cave under the Misty Mountains and became Gollum. The ring gave him long life, but deformed his body and mind, and was ultimately stolen by Bilbo in "The Hobbit".

If I stay with the same metaphor that I used in this post, where diabetes is the ring, then I am afraid of becoming Gollum. You see, Gollum was torn by his devotion to his "precious" and his great desire to be free of it. His life was consumed by the precious.

I have been quiet for the last few weeks. And there have been some good reasons; some of them diabetes-related, some not. But they have caused me to retreat so far into my own cavern that I was afraid that I may not return.

I realized I had been missing when, upon seeing me out with the kids yesterday, my next-door neighbour exclaimed how she hadn't seen me in forever.

And it's because sometimes the burden of the ring is too much and I have no interest in poking my head out from the safety of my cave. I am consumed by carbs, ratios, lows, highs, correction factors, units, blood sugars and logs. Add to that tummy bugs, teething, fevers of 104.5 and some scary heart episodes for me, then it's a wonder I make it outside at all.

The precious is consuming me.

My devotion to the precious is evident when someone tries to take it from me. A few nights ago, at a get-together with some other D-Moms, one of them offered her teenage daughter's sitting services. Her T1 daughter. Who was dx'd at the age of 2. And while outwardly I was smiling and saying, "maybe", inwardly my brain was laughing manically.

Because I am determined to hold onto the precious with white-knuckled fists. Like Gollum, I am both utterly devoted to it and crying to be free. It's a battle I am fighting in bits and pieces, but one I'm afraid I never will win completely.

Alas, in the end it was Gollum's devotion to the ring that ended up destroying him. These days I feel I need to tread lightly lest I follow in his very large flipper-prints.

Edited to add: As per Sara's request, here are the links to my other LOTR posts:
One Disease to Rule them All
You shall not Pass
Her Sam

Her Sam

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, then you know I love Lord of the Rings. Although Frodo is the protagonist and main hero of the story, he's not my favourite. Legolas and Aragon provided some great eye candy in the movie, but they didn't take top spot either. And while I can totally identify with the craziness of the Gollum/Smeagol thing, he/they aren't it either.

The one character that gives me the warm fuzzies is Sam. Sweet, lovable, Samwise Gamgee. Frodo's gardener-turned-sidekick for the epic journey to destroy the ring.

As Frodo became weak under the burden of the Ring, Sam carried most of the luggage, cooked, kept watch at night, and rationed the food so he and Frodo had enough for the journey. He protected and took care of Frodo as they moved through the dangerous lands toward Mordor.

At one point, on Mount Doom, Frodo collapses. Exhausted, he can go no further. Sam, while exhausted himself, tries to rally Frodo. He asks him to remember all the wonderful things about the Shire; the orchards that will soon be in blossom. The birds nesting in the hazel thicket. Summer barley and the eating of strawberries with cream.

Frodo cannot. He is done. Seeing this Sam yells, "Come on, Mr. Frodo. I can't carry it (the ring) for you... but I can carry you!" and slings Frodo over his shoulder to carry him to the end of his task.

That scene? Chills. Every time.

We all need a Samwise Gamgee in our lives. For the times when we collapse under the burden of our ring and have nothing left to give.

And I hope to be this for Elise as she grows up and the ring becomes her burden to bear. Right now it is mine. And that's okay. I would carry it forever if I could.

But I know that when she grows older, there will be days where she feels like Frodo on Mount Doom. So weary and tired. The responsibility and never-endingness of the disease will take its toll on her.

And I pray I can be there for her; unable to bear the burden for her, but more than capable of carrying her when she can't walk. For as long as I am able, I will travel this road with her, making the epic journey and lifting her up when she needs it. I will remind her about the orchids, and the strawberries with cream.

I will be her Sam... for as long as she needs me.

You shall not pass

About a month ago I wrote a post entitled "One disease to rule them all" where I talked about how Diabetes affects all facets of your life.

In keeping with this Lord of the Ring theme, I was thinking about a scene from the first movie of the trilogy.

The Fellowship (Frodo et al) is travelling through the Mines of Moria when they are attacked by some orcs. As they are trying to escape, a great booming echos through the chamber, causing the orcs to scatter. Only Gandalf realizes the great terror that is about to confront the Fellowship, and orders everyone to run.

Gandalf then turns to face the Balrog (think big, scary, fiery demon), and in one of my favourite scenes in the movie, Gandalf slams his staff into the ground and commands the Balrog, "You shall not pass!"

(Have I totally geeked out on you yet?)

Don't you wish that this would work with diabetes? How awesome would it be go all Gandalf on it's ass when diabetes is threatening to ruin a fun time for your child?

Like when we're at a birthday party, there's cake and Elise's BG is 350.

Or she wakes up on the morning of a special day at pre-school, and she has ketones of 2.1 from a stubborn high overnight BG.

Or she can't join her skating lesson because her BG is low and will not come up as she watches the kids skate and cries because she wants to be out there too.

On days like those I envision diabetes like the balrog; all ugly and mean. Getting in our way and stopping us from living our life. I would love to slam Elise's lancet into the ground and yell, "diabetes, you shall not pass". I wish I had some wizardly power to stop diabetes and throw it into the bottomless pit in which it belongs.

Alas, I am no wizard. And although I lack the magical powers to figuratively kick diabetes in the groin, I will not let it defeat me.

I will remember that the 400 glaring at me from the meter is just one number in a very long line of numbers.

That there will always be more cake.

That diabetes has the power to ruin one day, but not every day.

My daughter is bigger than diabetes and better than diabetes. And so am I.

One disease to rule it all

I am a huge Lord of the Rings fan. I love the interwoven themes, the cast of characters, the rich and deep storytelling. It's a world that you can delve deep and get lost in. Like most of the great tales, I can usually find myself identifying with one of the characters.

Lately I've been feeling a lot like Frodo. The quiet hobbit who was thrust, very reluctantly, into a position he didn't want, and worse, felt unprepared for. He was given a daunting, almost Herculean task. And the fate of others depended on his success. The ring, the very thing that was entrusted to him, threatened to destroy him.

My daughter's diabetes is my ring. I don't want it. I'm unworthy of doing battle with it. It threatens to overrun my spirit; my very being. And while it will not take my life; it is very capable of taking Elise's life.

To me, Diabetes is the one disease that rules it all (and no, I'm not comparing it to other diseases in this case). What I mean is that it touches every part of your life, and nothing emerges unscathed.

Diabetes rules your relationships. Is there anyone who is reading this who has not lost friendships because of this disease? Has your marriage not been affected? I am also happy to say that I have gained many dear friends due to diabetes.

Diabetes rules your watch. BG check time, shot time, meal time, snack time. Repeat ad infinitum. Almost every hour on the clock seems like it's dictated by this disease, and hardly a minute goes by when you're not thinking about it.

Diabetes rules your calendar. Maybe one day when we're on the pump it won't be like this, but for right now we've had to turn down two birthday parties this month because of the timing. One is in the afternoon, falling right between snack and dinner time. Plus they're serving cake and ice cream. It breaks my heart to think of the fun Elise will be missing. Hopefully one day soon, this won't happen as much.

Diabetes rules your pocketbook. I shudder to think about the amount of money we have poured into this disease. And while I would pay 100 times that amount to keep Elise healthy, I worry that there might come a day when we can't afford it.

Diabetes rules your food. If Elise could chose her favourite meal, it would be pizza and pasta, some french fries on the side and ice cream for dessert. That girl loves her carbs. And while I let her eat all of the above, I try to limit her to one high carb item per meal. But what I hate most is when, at the end of the meal and all her carbs have been accounted for; she asks for one more piece of bread. Or a bit more pasta. And I have to say no. It. Just. Sucks.

Diabetes rules your sleep. Or lack of sleep. Midnight, 3 am, 5 am checks... doesn't leave a lot of room for any shut-eye.

Diabetes even rules your very soul. Do you not feel lonely? Alone? Like nobody understands or even cares? Do you find yourself in a deep funk; unable to get out? Sometimes I feel like if one more thing is added to my life, I am going to go crazy. Some days I am so overwhelmed, all I want to do is sit on the sofa and cry until there are no more tears. I miss the old me. I feel like I'm half the person I used to be.

In the end, Frodo manages to reach Mount Doom and the ring is destroyed. And as much as I wish this could happen with Elise's diabetes, unless there is a cure, it will not. There will come a day where the quest for me is over, and I will pass the ring onto Elise. But there will be no destruction in our tale unless we find a cure.

Until then, I will carry this burden, my ring. It can have everything else in my life, but I will not let it rule me.