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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

D is for...

Done.

As in I'm done.

Done, done, done with diabetes. Done with trying to come up with foods that Elise will actually eat. Done with mealtime battles that usually end with both of us in tears. Done with trying to put together healthy, good-tasting meals and done with carb counting.

I'm so done with trying to figure out numbers that are all over the map. Done with tantrums that are due to high BG numbers and done with naps being interrupted by lows.

I am done with hauling all the crap that goes along with this disease. Done with meters, scales, calculators, apple juice, carefully counted out snacks that she won't eat, emergency supplies, insulin, needles... all of it. Done.

I'm done with every illness wreaking havoc in our lives. Done with worrying about her "underlying condition". Done with calling doctors and specialists and wondering just when should I take her to the ER.

I am done with all the money that this stinking disease bleeds out of us. It seriously makes me sick to my stomach when I think of how much all the supplies cost just to keep my daughter alive. Yes, it's a small price to pay, but it also infuriates me and makes me wonder why they do cost so much. Could it be because we don't have much of a choice?

And I am so, so, so very done with stupid insurance companies squeezing every nickel and dime out of us. Done with their crappy policies that say catheterizing my daughter to get a urine sample because she's too young to pee in a cup during her doctor visit is considered a "surgical procedure" and we have to pay for part of it. This never was an issue with our old insurance company, but Blue Crap Blue Shield of Texas is showing me why moving back to Canada is a good idea.

Seriously, I think my head is going to explode.

Of course, I say I am done... but it's a total lie. I can't be done. I will never be done. And that's what makes all this so terribly frustrating.

7 comments:

  1. (((HUGE HUGS))) I know..been there...felt that..... and HATE that we can't be DONE! There are days- fewer than there used to be- when I just don't know how I can go anymore and yet I still manage to get out of bed every morning because Jada is depending on me- and not just Jada, but the rest of my kiddos, too! There are days when my house is a mess- laundry is piled up- and I have no idea what I'm making for dinner when 5 pm rolls around- and I've had to learn to give myself some grace. Being a parent is hard enough- and then throw in a chronic disease that has to be carefully managed. What a nightmare!!!
    I would just encourage you to make life as simple as possible and to give yourself grace and LOTS of it! I also found that when I would get to these points- that maybe it was time to take a step back and evaluate things. Like- what is frustrating and what can I do to change it, if anything?
    You're doing a great job Joanne! Elise is blessed to have such a great mama. You hang in there- we're all here with you every step of the way!!
    LOTS OF LOVE!!!

    p.s. my word verification is "vents"--how appropriate is THAT? haha!

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  2. I know....and I'm so sorry. Been in this same place MANY MANY times. (HUG) Tomorrow we can start over. Deep breathe....stomp, cry and shout. You will find your way back :) We always do.

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  3. I so feel your frustration . especially with insurance companys !! I hate hauling all this crap that we do too . I know about having a child like that and it stinks that a child has to have that . I almost thought about moving to Canada too . well this feeling will pass and you will get up tommorow morning and do it all over again !!! I am sending hugs your way too !!!

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  4. I know. It so sucks. Alot. I have my bad days, my bad weeks and at times, my bad months. I'm sorry.

    Blue cross/blue shield is evil. After my husbands cancer surgery they denied half of our bills. I would call and they would say, "I don't know why it wasn't paid, we'll resubmit the claim." I seriously think they purposely deny claims just to see if you'll pay for it instead.

    As for the eating issue, I had a baby on NPH and I know that it peaks and she HAS to eat at least a certain amount of carbs at exactly the right time. It's over the top frustrating. So I'll meddle where I probably shouldn't and say maybe you should consider a pump. Or lantus. It's eat WHEN you want and WHAT you want. Changing isulin is scary and unnerving, and only you can decide when it is right, or if it is. I fought the pump for so many years and after we went on it, it was an answer to our prayers. I don't even know if it's an option for Elise, but I want to throw it out there.

    In the mean time, I want you to know that I think you are awesome. Sickness brings out the worst in diabetes. I hope things start looking up for you soon.

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  5. I have so been there..It is unfathomable sometimes when you think about how this will never end..it is a part of your life always (at least until there is a cure, knock on wood). When you are sick and/or your child is sick it makes it feel all the more daunting.
    It WILL pass. You will be ok! You do a great job Joanne. I hope you get some relief soon.

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  6. I understand DONE. How I wish the entire world could be DONE with
    T1D!!

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  7. I just saw this post!!!!

    (((HUGS)))

    I have those DONE DAYS too...we're in it together, my friend.

    You're doing a fantastic job...this rut will end and you'll feel "normal" again.

    Pinky Promise ;)

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