Monday, February 24, 2014

To sleep, perchance to dream

I'm tired.

Actually, tired doesn't capture it.  Exhausted misses the mark too.  Honestly?  I don't think there is a word in the English language to describe this feeling.

For more than two months, sleep has been coming at about 45 minutes at a time, less than 4 hours a night. I can't remember a night when I haven't seen every hour on the clock.

One night I went to bed at 11:30 pm and woke up at 12:30 am.  For the night.

It isn't all diabetes; we've had ear infections, upper respiratory infections, teething, adenovirus x3, night terrors, a baby who wants to nurse a least once a night, rashes, toddlers that wake up at 2:30 and declare themselves "awake for the day".

And then there was that time that Elise threw up all over her wall, bed, herself... and then went back to sleep.  There's nothing quite like walking into your child's bedroom for a 1:30 am BG check wondering, "what's that smell?" 

And of course, interspersed in all of that is diabetes, and the highs, lows, and ketones that comes with it.  Because diabetes has been such a jackass of late, no two nights are the same, making it impossible to make adjustments.  So every night we've been up either fixing a high, feeding a low, or setting temp basals to ward off both.

So.  I'm tired.  And it's stealing my joy.

I don't like the person I've become; I yell a lot.  I'm too tired to have fun with my kids. The thought of cooking, cleaning or doing anything domestic exhausts me to the point of tears.  I can't write. And worst of all, I can't even make sense of Elise's numbers anymore.  There is so much that needs fixing that I don't know where to start.  I can't spot a trend to save my life because my brain has turned to mush.

The other night, all three kids needed us at the same time; Lucas was crying, Mattias was having a night terror, and Elise was low.  It was 1:00 am and I had only been asleep for 30 minutes.  I turned to Fred and told him, "I wish I were dead."

I really don't, but there is a reason that sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

I usually try to find a nice, tidy way to end my blog posts... but nothing has come thus far; except maybe this:

And so, she fell into bed at an enviable 10:00 pm and slept blissfully, uninterrupted, until the morning alarm rang out it's greeting at 6:00. She awoke, feeling refreshed, and marveled that every morning should feel like this one.  From then on, she slept happily ever after.

The End.


  1. I hear ya. I am so frustrated with Zane's #'s the past few weeks, no matter the chnages I make, he won't go below 200...sad that I am wishing for a low these days. I just told my husband the other night - I'm throwing in the towel, I'm done! Obviously not, but its what I felt like. Glad I'm not alone - good luck to you.

  2. Oh Joanne, I am so sorry!!! I really wish I could come give you a night off. And I hope this bad muck passes soon.

  3. I'm with the other Karen:)...wish I were close enough to give you a night off at least from the D care. I could take care of yours and mine for a night. They would have fun together I'm sure. Hoping the chaos calms for your household soon.

  4. That sounds simply exhausting. I just can not imagine all of that at once, sometimes I feel so tired dealing with middle of the night asthma treatments and BG checks, toss one more thing in and I'd like to throw the towel in, too! I wish I could beam myself there to just help with one aspect...being exhausted is truly horrible. Take care of yourself Joanne, even if just by ordering dinner out and popping a movie in to be able to zone for a bit. ((HUGS))

  5. In the immortal words of D:ream(how appropriate!) - 'Things can only get better!'

  6. Hugs and wishes for calm and sleep.

  7. Holy crap!!! D kicks my butt, I can't imagine adding to that. I hope everything calms down soon.

  8. I agree with Lora! We haven't been getting much sleep here either and the exhaustion has definitely been showing just like you described! Sending many hugs your way that things settled down and sleep comes soon! xoxo

  9. I can so relate to this post! Hang in there, I hope you get some much needed rest soon! I'm sending tons of hugs your way!!!

  10. uuuuggghhhhh. :(((((

    i hope things have improved since this post. <3


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