A diabetes flashback

I was reading through some stuff that I had written, but never posted. This one almost took my breath away. It was written over a year ago; at a time when I was feeling very alone and isolated. I think I had just discovered other D-blogs out there, but it was all still new to me. This post makes me want to cry, because those feelings are very ghost-like to me; not 100% here, but still hanging around, haunting me.

But it also shows me just how far I've come. I was at this same park I talk about in the post, just the other day. And not one of those bitter feelings came back. It's amazing how far we can travel in such a short time, even when we are weighed down by the heaviest of baggage:

Diabetes plays dirty. It will hit you when you're not looking, and does not have a problem striking where you're most vulnerable. In fact, it seems to wait until you're feeling pretty confident about yourself before it tries to KO you.

Yesterday, diabetes used me as it's own, personal punching bag; reminding me that I am not in charge here. We've been having some very bizarre BG numbers lately; I'm talking a level of 490, and then down to 50 in less than 4 hours. I know, weird.

Elise woke up pretty high yesterday morning, at 330 with a trace of ketones. We were supposed to go to our local rec center for some open gym time, something we do every Thursday. Elise loves playing with all the fun toys and other kids as much as I love getting to talk to grown-ups. But it wasn't to be. I gave Elise her insulin plus correction, she ate her breakfast and I made sure she drank a lot of water. My hope was if I checked her in an hour or so, the ketones would be gone and we could still go.

Now her ketones are small and her BG is at 490. And she is one unhappy little girl. She wants to go out for a walk, but how do you explain to an 18-month old that she's not allowed to do that right now? I try to make her drink more water, but when I offer her the cup, she throws it and starts to cry.

Fast forward to lunch and her BG is now 127. I guess the insulin is now kicking in. And the ketones are gone - Yay! She eats all her lunch and goes down for her nap. About 90 minutes later she's up and crying... and at 50. I give her 7g of carbs (anything more will take her BG sky-high), but she wants more. She's loopy, cranky and very upset. It takes about 30 minutes to calm her down. Finally her BG is at a good level.

Because she missed her morning play-time, I take her to a nearby park that is filled with laughing, screaming children. It's amazing that it's at times like these that I feel the most alone. I look at the other moms and envy how relaxed and at ease they are. I'm angry. Angry because I feel like nobody out there understands what I have to deal with. Angry because they can sit and chat with their friends without a care in the world. Angry because I am alone.

I watch Elise and worry that the exercise could make her drop low again. I tell myself to shut-up and enjoy this beautiful, sunny day with my daughter. The feelings of despair lurk, ready to pounce at any sign of weakness. Tears threaten, but I will them not to fall.

When my husband came home from work yesterday, I finally burst into tears. I had a good cry and moved on. I'm learning that this is what I need to do. I cannot dwell on it. Today is a new day; no ketones, good numbers, and we were able to go to story time at the library this morning. With a normal blood sugar level, Elise is happy and content.

If somebody had told me back then how much better I'd be doing a year later, I would have called them a liar. I still battle those feelings of despair and loneliness on an almost daily basis, but I am also thankful at how far I have come.

Hey, wanna see my belly?

Here I am at 16 weeks, and this little baby is definitely making her/himself known! Now that you've been blinded by the grotesque whiteness that is my never-sees-the-sun stomach, what do you think is cooking up in there... boy or girl?

I won't find out for another 4 weeks, but I'm curious as to what everyone thinks.

Why we do what we do

My heart is breaking for a family I have never met, yet am connected to because of a terrible disease. The Mom went into her son's room one morning, only to find he had passed away during the night, they think from a low blood sugar. His name was Tyler and he was only 14 years old. He, of course, had Type 1 Diabetes.

All my D-Mom/Dads already know what I'm about to write, so I mainly write this for my friends and family members who read my blog.

When I usually explain to the uninitiated all the work that goes into caring for Elise, the response is always surprise. Especially when I get to the part about how we get up at least twice a night to check her blood sugar.

I know it seems over the top to most people, but as Elise's Mom, I will do everything in my power to protect her from harm. And I know that I cannot be there 100% of the time. I know I cannot protect her from every evil in this world, but you can bet that I will bust my ass to try.

Let's look at it this way; when you get in your car, you either strap your kiddo into their car/booster seat, or make sure they put their seat belt on, right (let's disregard this is a matter of law for the moment)? Why do you do this? You're a safe driver. You obey all posted speed limits, you use caution, and pay attention to the road.

But what you can't control are other circumstances; drunk drivers, people who text and drive; and the ones who just plain suck at driving. You have no idea at what might happen next, so you do what you can to protect your child... it's just good ol' common sense, right?

As so many others have eloquently stated, a parent is NOT a pancreas. No matter how hard I try, I cannot replace that precious organ in Elise's body. I was not created to control and maintain blood sugars. All I can do is use my common sense and do my absolute best.

And this is why we weigh every carb Elise eats.

This is why we check her blood sugar 10-12 times a day, and at least twice a night.

This is why we don't leave Elise with anyone.

It's why Elise isn't in pre-school.

It's why I ALWAYS have a watchful eye on Elise.

It's why Elise comes with us on our date nights.

And why I carry a backpack full of strange gadgets and food. It may seem odd to you, but it might just save Elise's life one day.

It's why I am so tired, so distracted, so overprotective, so consumed and so frightened. Because stories like Tyler's happen. And they happen to people who do everything they can, just like we're doing. I mean, his Mom is an ER nurse.

And so, my heart is breaking. Not just for this family, but for all the other D-families out there who hear these stories. And the need to check their kiddos a little more often and hold them a little closer consumes them that much more.

Please God, let us find a cure soon.

Why my husband rocks

I need to brag on Fred for a moment. If you read my other blog, you know that both of us came down with food poisoning on Monday night. I caught the brunt of it, since I ate most of the food, and became very, very sick. I actually was in bed for about 33 hours, only leaving to go to the bathroom and... well, you know.

But Fred was sick too, and through the whole thing he; worked from home, took care of me, wrangled Elise, and did an amazing job managing her diabetes. Just check out these numbers:

7:29 am - 104
10:35 am - 65 (okay, so that one was a little low)
12:04 pm - 76*
2:40 pm - 76*
4:46 pm - 137
6:34 pm - 90
8:17 pm - 136

*Those numbers are lower than we like to see, but they came at a time when her BG typically starts going down and he was just a bit late getting Elise her lunch and snack.

My husband is THE superstar of superstars, and I am so thankful to be married to such an amazing guy. I was so sick that there was no way I would have been able to take care of Elise, and it is so nice to know I have such great back-up.

MWAH! Love you, Freddie!

Saying bye bye to boo boo

During all the craziness of finding out I was pregnant and my thyroid going haywire. Elise and I passed one very important milestone.

I made the decision to stop nursing her. I think I had been ready for awhile, but just didn't know how to stop.

When Elise was diagnosed at 12 months old, I was still nursing her 4 times a day. When we met with the dietitians in the hospital, I was told I would have to either stop, or start pumping and feed her my milk that way. I had just put away all my pumping supplies, and there was no way I was going to do it. I hated that contraption.

But there was no way I was going to stop nursing my baby just because they said so. She was still MY baby and I knew what was best for her. I could not cure her diabetes, but I could offer her one thing that nourished and soothed her.

It was hard to know how much she was getting, but we soon figured that it only affected her BG by about 30 points. I don't know why, but it always seemed to work out.

Then, one by one, I dropped a session, until only the bedtime one remained. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I couldn't continue to nurse her (for my own health reasons). It took her about a week to get used to it, and her tears just about broke my heart. But life goes on and so did she.

I'm glad I made the decision to nurse her as long as I did. It's not for everyone, but it worked for us. I've said it before in another post about nursing, but I think it has contributed to Elise's overall good health. To this day, she has never even had an ear infection. And when we all came down with the Swine Flu in September, she fared the best out of all three of us!

It was definitely a sad milestone for me, but hopefully if all goes as planned, I'll be back at it again in September!

Recipes: Drinkable Yogurt

I was reading Leighann's blog post the other day on all the horrible unnecessary ingredients that are found in everyday products at the grocery store, and in several comments, people were lamenting the cost of things like yogurt that are made by companies that don't use high fructose corn syrup, or dyes.

And it got me thinking about the drinkable yogurt that I make for Elise. I know it's healthy because I know EXACTLY what I put into it, it's cheap (when I can find good prices on the fruit I use), and Elise LOVES it. I've never written down the exact amounts I use (I always weigh all the ingredients, I just never bother to remember), but I did when I made some today, so I could share it with you!

If you haven't checked out my post on making homemade yogurt, go here. It is so, so easy and will save you even more money. This is the yogurt I use when making this recipe.


Joanne's Strawberry/Banana Homemade Drinkable Yogurt
(all measurements are in weight grams... because that's what I use to figure out the carb factor)

What you need:
*approx. 450g of plain yogurt (carb factor = .05)
*200g strawberries - you can use fresh or frozen (carb factor = .08)
*85g bananas (carb factor = .20)
note: substitute any of your favourite fruit... Elise just loves strawberries and banana
1 1/2 Tbsp. agave nectar (total carbs = 24g cho)

Approx. carb factor when using the above measurements = .10

To Make:
*In a heavy-bottomed sauce pan, simmer the fruit on low/med in enough water so it covers the bottom of the pan (don't use too much water, it will dilute the taste). It usually takes about 10-15 minutes.
*When fruit is completely cooked down, add to yogurt and blend using a blender or hand blender. If you do this while the fruit mixture is still warm, it helps to thin out the yogurt, making it more liquidy.
*After completely blended, add agave (or other sweetener). I add it at this stage so I can judge the sweetness after each 1/2 Tbsp. I add. You may need more or less, depending on your taste buds.

Why it's so great:
*So easy to make.
*Will save you money on the store-bought stuff.
*Healthy, because you control what gets put into it
*You can also freeze this recipe and make yogurt popsicles... YUM!

I hope you enjoy this recipe as much as my family does!

Much ado about naptime

The winds of change are blowing here at our house, and Momma is not happy about it. It's looking like Elise might be on the verge of dropping her nap, which is troublesome on a few fronts.

Right now (since the stupid time change) she naps from about 3 pm - 5 pm. I actually put her down around 2-2:30, but it takes he awhile to settle down and fall asleep. These days she's falling asleep closer to 3:30-4:00. This presents a problem because the later she naps, the longer she's up that night. When she naps until 5:00, she's up until about 11:00 pm. We put her to bed at 9:00, but she tosses and turns for almost two hours!

The days she doesn't nap at all, she becomes a quivering puddle of Elise-goo at about 7:00 pm. It's enough to make you want to run and hide. Any other child you would say, great! Put her to bed at 7:00 and be done with it!

Except Elise isn't any other child, and because of when she eats dinner, it is impossible to put her to bed any earlier than 8:00.

We eat dinner at 5:00 (which in my opinion is sooooo early). Elise takes about an hour to finish everything, so she's done by 6:00. There is no way we can test her an hour later and get an accurate bedtime BG number. Not to mention giving her a bedtime snack and her insulin. It's too soon after her dinner.

We've also discovered that we have a very slooooow absorption rate with Elise's diluted Humalog. We find it peaks closer to about 3 hours after she gets it. I know, weird. But it's true. It's just not safe to give Elise her bedtime NPH that close to her dinnertime DH because it will drop her low while she sleeps, even with her snack.

So what is a mother to do? Drop the nap and just fight to keep her up until 8:30 (I get ulcers just thinking about it), or let her nap late and go to sleep late? I'm stumped.

Stupid diabetes... why do you have to make EVERYTHING so bloody hard?

ETA: Oh for the love of all that is good and holy, I went to get Elise up at 4:00 because it sounded like we had another failnap, and when I tried to open her door, I couldn't. She had fallen asleep right in front of it. I usually check her BG at 4:30, but I can't even get in her room. Unless of course I wake her up. I give up.

Team Elise Canada

This is for all my fellow Canucks (or peeps living in Canada) out there... Team Elise Canada will again be taking part in the JDRF walk on June 13, 2010 in Toronto.

If you have the means, we would love for you to donate. Just go to canada.teamelise.com (or click on the address to get there). And of course, if you live in the Toronto area, you can even be a part of Team Elise Canada, get your very own Team Elise shirt, AND meet Fred's super-cool family!

Below is out Team Elise Canada video (okay, it's really our video from last year's walk, with some extras tacked on at the beginning. It's still worth a look... Fred does a great job on our videos!)

Thank you for supporting Team Elise!

A night in the life

It's bedtime and her BG is 254. Not horribly high, but it is following the same pattern of the last few days. Semi-high at bedtime, high overnight and high in the morning. Changes on the horizon?

Usual bedtime insulin and snack. Down by 9:00 pm. Ninety minutes later I can still hear her tossing and turning so I go to check on her. She's awake and says she doesn't feel good. A quick check reveals an 88 on the meter. We give her 10g of carbs, plus some protein. She's happy with her unexpected snack and falls asleep within 20 minutes of consuming it.

Midnight. She's 157. Better, but not good enough. The alarm is set for 3:00 am.

3:00 check and she's 107. She should be going up. Why isn't she going up? She gets 5g more, and it's off to sleep again. After we set the alarm for 4:30 am.

Sleep? What is this sleep that you speak of? It's 4:30 and a 109 pops up on her meter. No more active insulin in her system, so why is she not higher? Sigh. This means another check in a few hours.

Last alarm of the morning. The hour of 6:00 am has come quickly, and with it brings a BG of 62. We think 10g should do. She eats and goes back to sleep for a few hours.

We look bleary-eyed at each other, the unasked questions swirling in our brains. Why? How? Huh? It doesn't matter. We shrug our shoulders and turn the page.

Today is a new day.

Housekeeping

If you look closely, you may have noticed a few changes around here. I mean, really closely. Mostly in the header of my blog.

Look! It's a new picture of Elise! And she's not a baby anymore! I also changed the tag line underneath my title from "having a baby with Type 1 Diabetes sucks, I'm learning to make it suck less" to what is there now. It's actually something I wrote in response to a comment left on my blog where the woman said (among other not-so-nice things), that Death of a Pancreas was a stupid name because it wasn't even correct.

It made me laugh then and still makes me laugh, so there you go.

Also a neat little thing, you can now get to my blog directly from www.deathofapancreas.com. Don't worry, the old link still works, it just re-directs to the new domain.

I'll also (hopefully) be changing the background soon. I always have such a hard time finding something I like, because I'm very picky. And also, I hate change. This actually might be enough change for me this month.

I do have one last request. Somehow I lost all my blog links (to my D-Mommas and other D-people) from my blog list. I'm not smart enough to figure out how to get it back, so the next easiest thing would be for everyone to leave me a comment on this post and that way I can link back to your blog. I don't have them saved in my favourites either. Lesson learned.

No, this isn't a cheap solicitation for comments, but I do love to hear from my peeps!

ETA: I would be remiss if I didn't thank my wonderful husband for setting me up with the new domain and the new header. Thanks Freddie!