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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Fuzzy Logic

I am a very logical person. It's how I've always lived my life. I really like it that when I add 2 + 2, the outcome is always four. Not 4.5, or 7, or even 355. It's 4 and it always will be 4. Forever and ever, Amen.

Early on in our marriage, Fred and I had racked up over $75,000 in debt. In 2001, we finally decided that we'd had enough of being stressed out by money and were going get out of debt. So, what did we do? The logical thing of course, we made a budget, stuck to it, and stopped spending any money except what was necessary to live. Strangely enough, four years later, we were debt free and still are! Well, except for our house. But that $75,000, which was all pretty much credit card debt, is gone!

I like things that make sense. I like it when a + b = c. But it's just not that way with diabetes. You can do everything right, and still get wonky blood sugar numbers. And it makes me CRAZY. Somedays I wish diabetes would manifest itself as a person, just so I could kick it in the groin.

If I give Elise x amount of carbs, plus y amount of insulin, in my perfect little world I would get z... a BG of about 100. But because so many things can come into play, it just never works out that way. She could be going through a growth spurt, or teething, or perhaps she's getting sick. There's hormones that come into play, the fact that the wind is blowing out of the east at 15 mph, the dew point is 38 and the barometer is falling. Or maybe it's because she's wearing red.

I made some of those up, see if you can guess which ones.

Diabetes has come into my logical little world and turned it upside down. But I am slowly learning to not sweat it so much anymore. I think what it all boils down to is my lack of control over this disease. And I think that's what is really tearing me up.

But I believe God is trying to tell me that sometimes I need to take my hands of the wheel, trust Him, and let Him do the driving. I won't always be able to control where the car is going, but it's okay. Because as long as I'm paying attention, He'll help me get to where I need to go. And I'm slowly learning to be okay with that... as long as I get to pick what radio station we're listening to along the way.

5 comments:

  1. Amen Joanne! I struggled with "control issues" as well and the fact that "Mommy just can't fix this owie". There is nothing I can do to make this better. Sure I can put a "bandaid" on it and try and make it better but the bottom line is, this is an owie that won't go away and as Mommies we have to accept that and deal with it as best as we can and not beat ourselves up over it. Just accept that you ARE a great Mom and you're doing all you can for Elise! Don't let the Diabetes Demons get the best of you...tie that rope and hang on! You're doing a wonderful job!

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  2. Joanne, what a great entry! First let me say it's definitely because she's wearing red - happens here all the time (j.k.) we have to laugh because otherwise we'd cry all the time right? And I'm thinking that God will allow you to pick the radio station - that was a great line! Thanks for your humor!

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  3. I love how you express your thoughts in writing - so real, yet with a touch of humor. I can completely relate to what you said about control. Not in relation to diabetes, but just being a control freak who was blessed with three crazy little boys. :-) I think we are about in the same place with relinquishing control, as I am OK with God trying as long as I get to choose the tunes as well. ;-)

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  4. so true so true...'betes always screws it up for us logical math people!

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  5. Couldn't have said it better myself. Actually, I'm sure I have, it just wasn't so witty! It's so baffling! Thanks for bringing some humor to it. :P

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