Wednesday, June 17, 2009

All that I need

I went for my annual check-up with my OB/GYN on Monday. I know... fun, right? I was coming off a pretty rough weekend with Elise. Not so much Diabetes-related (although it always plays a role), but dealing with her sleep. Rather, lack of it.

Saturday night I went in to check her BG because she was a bit lower than we like to see her when we put her to bed (even after her snack and nursing). I went in around 11:30 to check her, and she slept through the whole thing; the opening of the meter case, the click of the lancet, the actual poke... everything. On my way back down the hallway, a floorboard creaked and all of a sudden she's wide awake, screaming. Seriously???

It took until after 2 am to get her back to sleep. My husband was at a movie with some guy friends, so I had the first shift until about 1:30. When he finally got home, I was about to lose it. I had had enough of the screaming and crying and just wanted to walk away and never look back (we have these episodes where she wakes up screaming about twice a week). He told me to go to bed and turn off the monitor; he'd take care of it. Yes, he is the best.

I think part of the problem is of our own making. When she wakes up screaming, we always go in and check her BG (or course), but we stay in there until she's asleep again because if we try to leave, she gets so worked up. And we're afraid of how that affects her BG. As long as we're in the room, she doesn't freak out. But if we try to leave before she's completely out; we're back to square one. This whole process usually takes 2 hours.

Anyway, back to my appointment. As soon as my doc asked how I was doing, I lost it. Just started sobbing. And I'm not really one of those people who cry a lot. I went on about how tired I was, how stressed, how completely spent I felt. It went on for about 10 minutes; she just listened.

And it felt wonderful.

I don't have too many opportunities to just vent like that. People will always ask me how Elise is doing, but hardly anyone says to me, "how are you doing, really?"

Of course, my doc asked all the right questions, trying to determine if I was depressed. I told her that it wasn't that bad; and it's not. I really have a lot to be thankful for; an amazing husband, a sweet and wonderful daughter, a roof over my head, a car to get me where I need to go, we can afford our daughter's meds, food in my cupboard, a fantastic group of bloggy friends, and most of all, a God who loves me.
I'll be okay, as long as I'm allowed to emotionally vomit for time to time!


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  2. Oh my, I feel for you. I could not even imagine dealing with night time troubles of a T1 baby. A healthy baby is hard enough, but all the worrying about is she crying because of low BG or is something worst going on? On top of that, when they are sleeping you need to try and NOT wake them to check BG in the middle of the night. We are so lucky Cara is pretty good at not waking up during night time checks. But even if she does wake up we just tell her to go back to sleep. You can't do that with a little one! Good luck with every thing.

    It is funny how our emotions will sneak up on us. It is a great feeling sometimes to let it all out :) emotional vomit...I will have to us that one! hahaha

  3. Sending lots of (((HUGS))) your way! I'm glad you got it out. This disease is just emotionally and physically tough! It sucks and there is no other way to say it. I'm always so happy when I don't wake Jada up during her midnight check b/c she can still have a hard time going back to sleep- it's really bad when I have to give her something to eat or drink! I think my lack of sleep is the thing that physically wears on me the most. Hang in there! You're doing a great job!

  4. I feel for you. Riley didn't sleep through the night until he was 3. It was much like you described. He was fine as long as someone was with him and the process took about 2 hours most nights. I was so tired. One night, Michael (my husband) came in and I was sitting in a chair beside Riley's crib and I was just sobbing (I'm not much of a crier either). I had taken all I could take. And, I didn't have diabetes to deal with back then.

    Riley started sleeping through the night at age 3 and at 3 1/2 he was diagnosed with diabetes. I 've gotten up every few hours since then. To say that my husband and I are sleep-deprived would be an understatement.

    Not getting enough sleep can make even simple things seem like mountains. Having to deal with diabetes can make simple things seem like mountains. The two combined are sometimes unbareable.


  5. A good emotional vomit is always nice... I always feel so much better afterward. Well, no, that's not true... I feel AWFUL right afterwards, but eventually it feels good to have gotten it out of my system.

  6. :( I know what you mean in that when someone asks, "How are YOU doing?" and they really want something other than "fine," it can be a little emotionally overwhelming once you get going! It sounds like your ob was great in asking the right questions re: depression...don't rule it out if you still keep feeling not like yourself. . .anti-depressants can help, even temporarily...but we can have this conversation off your board :)


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