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Sunday, August 15, 2010

I made a mistake

I am human. I am not a pancreas, although I try really hard. And as much as I hate it, I make mistakes. What makes it so hard to handle is that they affect my daughter. My screw-ups hurt her, and it kills me.

Within the past week, there have been some evenings that we've added some diluted Humalog to Elise's nighttime NPH shot, so she can enjoy an extra treat. We've discovered the vast bevy of frozen yogurt shops, and we've found that if we time it just right, Elise can have about a 15g serving. And if we add the right amount of DH to her shot, it all evens out.

The problem lies in finding the right amount of DH. Elise's ratios are a bit weird, especially right now since her illness. She's about 4:1 (4g of carbs to every 1 unit of insulin - remember, she's on diluted) at breakfast, and 3:1 at dinner. She doesn't have a lunchtime ratio because she's on NPH. Also, all her snacks are uncovered.

Last night, I screwed up. I thought I had it all figured out. I didn't. The problem was two-fold: I think I over-shot my WAG at how much insulin she should get, and I lost track of time and gave her her bedtime snack about 45 minutes too late. It was a perfect storm.

For almost two hours, her BG hovered in the 60s. It was late and she needed to sleep, but I couldn't put her to bed like that. The extra carbs I put into her just maintained her BG; though I knew it was just a matter of time before it all caught up to her and her BG went through the roof.

Finally at 11:15, she could take no more, so I lay in bed with her; waiting for the moment Eileen would show me the beautiful sight of an upwards arrow. And as I watched through my tears as Elise slept, I cursed myself and this stupid disease.


How is it fair that when I make a mistake, it hurts her? It is my screw-ups that cause her harm, and I remain unscathed. I should be the one feeling crappy. It should be MY tummy that hurts, not hers. I made the mistake and she pays the price.

10 comments:

  1. You do a fantastic job day in and day out, my friend. Living by a strict schedule is incredibly challenging -- it happens, moms lose track of time!!!!! You do a superb job and Elise is blessed beyond measure to have the loving parents that she has.

    No matter how hard you try, perfection will never be possible all the time. Be gentle to yourself.

    (((hugs))) From one mom who "gets it" to another.

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  2. Joanne ...

    You are a darling girl and my favorite D-Mom Blogger !! I've learned so much following you! I HATE "D" !! You should be able to relax and prepare for your new arrival, and instead, you've got to deal with the numbers! I'm so sorry! I wish I could come and care for Elise and give you a day off ... but alas, I'm in Cali! Don't beat yourself up ... she couldn't be in better hands than yours! As my little Ashlee would say: " You're the MAN" !! The Go-to gal!

    You are a HERO ... and a Pancreas! A Super-Girl!
    We adore you and your beautiful red hair !!! ☺☺☺♥♥♥

    Pam in Palm Springs

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  3. YOU DID NOT SCREW UP...you are doing the best you can, like all of us. Do we get shitty numbers at times - heck yeah. Do you study them and learn from the patterns abso-stinkin-lutely! Trust me, Joe has had numbers in the 30s twice this week and I am a f*cking nurse...so there!!! YOU ARE AMAZING. I LOVE YOU. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK and PLEASE, PLEASE,PLEASE -> DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP!!!

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  4. You are an awesome mom!! ((hugs))

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  5. Joanne - life and diabetes happens. You are an awesome mom who takes such good care of Elise. You are also human. You fixed the mistake. You learned from it. It will happen again in her life and yours. Please don't beat yourself up over it. Be kind to yourself. You are a great mom.

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  6. Oh, Joanne! I wish I could give you a huge hug right now! Diabetes is such a hard thing to figure out. Especially with the teeny tiny diabetics that we have! It's totally not your fault and and no lasting harm has been done. One of these days, I'll get around to telling the story of how I got a BG of 4 once (yes, single digit, very scary)! Hang in there!

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  7. I know Joanne...and nothing anyone can say will change the hurt we feel when we make those mistakes :( ((HUGS)) I hear ya.

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  8. Just wanted to say I love you and I think you're awesome. Human, but awesome nonetheless.

    I hope you're feeling better. Take care of yourself! : )

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  9. Oh please focus on all the times you get it right - and there are so many of them.

    It's not you making a mistake, it's just that dang pancreas that failed. We do the best we can with the crude tools we have.

    Hugs.

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  10. I can totally relate to this one too!! it is one of the hardest things to deal with...guilt is an evil thing and I carry it around with me every now and again unfortunately. I know EXACTLY how you were feeling that night. We are only human though...and doing the best job that we can. You are an amazing Mom!!

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