Friday, April 15, 2011

Like the deserts miss the rain

Thank God that week is over. I've been MIA and for good reason. Fred was out of town and my kids decided to try and kill me by not letting me sleep. Every. Single. Night.

Whether is was Elise up for 3 hours crying, the dexcom alerting to numbers that were off by sometimes as much as 200, stubborn lows, or Mattias waking up every 90 minutes, which happened every night while Fred was gone. Combine all that with the usual feeding problems and it was a nightmare.

But he's back, and I am so, so thankful. He is an awesome husband and does whatever it takes to support me. Even though his flight came in at 12:30 am, almost two hours late, he came home and talked me down from a very tall ledge (for reasons I'll get to in a moment). Mwah! Love ya, Freddie!

I am also thankful for my friend Liz, who came over twice, brought me lunch, and listened as I did the "ugly cry" for two hours. She also gave me some very wonderful advice, which I appreciate even more because I know it wasn't easy for her to do, because she was unsure of how I would take it. Thank you Liz, it's the REAL friend who will tell you the stuff you don't necessarily want to hear.

I started taking a prescription drug for my nursing issues. I was very leery about taking it because of the side effects, but after learning Mattias hadn't gained any weight in 3 weeks, I felt I had no choice. It has been wonderful and awful all at the same time.

Wonderful because my supply has almost doubled and I've only been taking it for a few days. Since I started, Mattias stopped waking up every 90 minutes at night, and only woke up once to feed. Ah-MA-zing! He also seems more content during the day.

Awful because the side effects really are terrible. During the day, the fatigue is so bad I feel like I'm going to fall over. I can't concentrate and can barely form a coherent sentence. And at night I lay in bed, suffering through panic attacks. The night Fred got home, it was really bad. I had gone to bed at 9:30, and was unable to fall asleep (read: pass out from sheer exhaustion) until almost 3:00 am. I cannot even begin to explain how horrible it felt. I was so tired, but couldn't sit still. At one point I remember thinking if removed my pjs and went walking out in the pouring rain, I would be okay (yeah... weird. I know). Thankfully, Fred came home and sat with me, attempting to calm me down.

After all that, you'd think I would stop taking it, right? Not so much. I did cut my dose (after consulting my doctor) in half, but I have my reasons for continuing.

The way I look at it is this; as parents of a diabetic, we don't have to wake up 2 - 3 (sometimes more) times a night to check our kids. In fact, some endos don't understand why we do it. But we do. For our kids. For their safety. For their health. Often at the detriment of our own. Because we would do anything to avoid the unimaginable.

Now Mattias will not starve, but to me his health is at risk. He started in the 50th percentile for weight and now he's in the 10th. He has feeding issues and I will do anything I can to help him.

The good news is the lower dose doesn't make me quite as crazy. I still get agitated, but I can deal with it. I'm also not going to take it at bedtime, because that I can't deal with.

If you've made it this far, congrats. I know there has been a lot going on in the DOC lately, but I haven't had time time or energy to blog, read other blogs or comment. Those of you who are going through the fire right now, please know that you are in my prayers.

Hopefully I'll get my crap together soon. Because I miss you guys.


  1. Miss you too and oh how I do hope things start to get at least a little (a lot) better!! Hope you have sweet dreams tonight!!

  2. You are such a loving, devoted mother! I understand your motivation, too. I nursed all three of my babies, but when my youngest, Max, was 6 months old, he weighed a mere 11 pounds. I had been struggling with my milk supply and had been bringing him to the pediatrician for weight checks. Finally, the ped categorized him as "failure to thrive," because he was underweight and not gaining, and I had no choice, but to supplement with formula, which was devastating to me. Not one doctor mentioned any drugs that I could take to increase my milk supply. I didn't know drugs like that existed. If they had, I would have taken them, too! As moms, we do what we need to do to take care of our babies. I really hope your side effects dwindle and you're able to get some rest.

  3. Hugs to you, Joanne. I wish we could all be there to help you, give you a break and be a shoulder to cry on. You are an awesome, devoted, caring mother and that always shows through in your posts. ((hugs))

  4. Glad the meds are helping for feedings! Sorry about the awful side effects.

    Youre awesmome I cant imagine a D kid and wee lil one!

  5. Aw Jo, I wish I could be there to support you during the "ugly cry". The thought of that made me feel so bad and sad for you.

    I am glad you are less crazy on the lower dosage. I cannot even imagine. Keep on keepin' on. Those kids are soooo fortunate to have such a wonderful, responsible mother in you girl.

    Love you.

  6. Joanne - it sound like an awful week! I am glad your friend was around to give a shoulder to cry on and bring you some food. Sound like you are getting things worked out with the medication and hopefully you won't feel as awful from the side effects and Mattias will continue to eat and sleep better. XO

  7. Sorry things have been crazy for you. Know that we are here when you get back :) You are an awesome mom and your kids are lucky to have you.

  8. I have missed you too this week! You are such a wonderful and sacrificial Mother to your children. Glad the decreased dosage is working better, because those sound effects sound awful! Hang in there and take care of yourself.

  9. oh the things we do for our kids and the sacrifices we make...just proof of what a great mommy you are! Hope all gets figured out soon and glad your hubs is back and can take care of you.

  10. I wish I were there to help you through those "ugly cry" moments, I know how tough it is to have a child that has a nursing issue and can't imagine having less sleep and a child with d on top of it - and doing it alone! Man you are amazing.
    Keep it up and don't worry about convincing us that you "have" to do something that isn't worth it, we know your heart and know that you will choose what is best for your children and find a way to make it work for you, too. I so wish I were able to be there in a blink to help you get an extra nap in the afternoon. Take care Jo and know that you don't need to read our blogs or worry about us - just focus on your beautiful family and yourself right now. That is certainly enough :)

  11. Been thinking of you and praying for you. I know that from reading this, it sounds like things have been pretty BAD, but I'm sure going through it has been HELL. You've been through a refiners fire lately, even though you needed no refining! After reading all of your recent posts, I've so wanted to help out, especially with Fred gone. One evening, I almost hopped in my car to drive over, BUT unfortunatly, we've had family staying with us for over a week (they have three little kids and I thought I myself was about to go crazy- you know stip off my clothes and run out in the rain kind of crazy). Thankfully, they are now moved into a new home and I can help out anytime. Let me know.
    Your kids are lucky to have a mom who will walk to the end of the earth for them!

  12. Sorry those feeding issues are still continuing. And, post-partum is hard enough with extra mental issues from meds. Hope things get better soon.

  13. I was wondering what was going on and was missing you! So wish it was for a way better reason than no sleep, sucky BGs, and meds that make you want run through the streets naked!! Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

  14. You are in my thoughts and prayers Joanne. I think of you and the kids often and always hope you are well. Sending you love..

  15. My heart hurts for you, Joanne. Every time you pop up on my reader I think "maybe things have started to turn around for and we can read about her joys!!!" But, eh . . . not so much lately.

    Craptastically fudgy.

    You are so dedicated, my dear. So fabulous that most moms can't fathom the lengths of sleepless hours you go through for your kids. I tell ya, if those beautiful babes of yours ever sass you, get them on the horn with me and I will give them a thing or two about how you sacrificed for them. Yep! I will have your back when/if they ever turn on you ;)

    Was the ride with the higher meds even a little fun?! Fun crazy or looloo crazy?

    We'll keep praying and praying for the load to lighten, Sweetie!

  16. *hugs* you are always in my thoughts... I completely agree with all of the other comments. You are an amazing mother who will move mountains for your children if they stand in the way. you are constantly an inspiration. I am so glad to hear that you have an awesome friend who will tell you what you need to hear, a wonderful husband who is your best partner in crime, and a supportive community here online! it takes a village to hold us. I hope that the side effects to the meds calm down with time! xoxo

  17. I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time...but you're a good mom. Your kiddos are so blessed to have you taking care of them....ugly cry and all!

    PROMISE to look at my calendar and get us together at the zoo one Monday very soon. Would love to do it before the end of May.....

  18. I love you. I miss talking to you.
    Sending you all my love!


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