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Monday, May 30, 2011

Dear Mattias - repost

I wrote this letter to Mattias because it hurt me that one day he might think he is not as loved as his sister. Because D will always come first.

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You are my second born. My son. I have loved you since the moment I found out about you. And yes, I love you just as much as I love your sister. Such a strange thing for a mother to have to say, but I feel there just might come a day when you don't believe it.

I want you to know that it breaks my heart when I hear you crying in your bassinet. And I'd love more than anything to come scoop you up; hold you close and stop those tears from flowing. But I can't. I'm busy at the moment checking a blood sugar, giving insulin and preparing food. So you must wait. And though it might seem like all my attention is focused on your sister at the moment, you are certainly on my mind and I am working as quickly as I can to get to you.

And I hate to hear you whimper when your tummy is empty and you are asking for food. But I cannot feed you at the moment. You see, your sister has low blood sugar and I have to tend to her needs first. And the testing, giving carbs and re-testing might take awhile, especially if I'm waiting until her blood sugar is in a safe range. If I am nursing you, I won't be able to help your sister. And right now, she needs me. I know that you need me too, and I feel so torn.

I am sorry that you get the leftovers of our attention. The leftovers of our energy. Diabetes is a very selfish sibling and demands so much of our time. But that is no excuse. I hope you feel that you can tell us when you are feeling ignored. Just know that the patience, perseverance, and empathy that you are learning right now will serve you well in life.

Know this above everything; you are a very special, and very loved little boy. I pray you grow up knowing and believing that. I am so blessed that you are my son.

Love,
Your Momma

5 comments:

  1. That's precious and I can totally relate. My second son has to wait a lot. Wait for me. Wait until it's time to eat. Now he waits for me to feed another baby a bottle. And the baby.. he waits, too. :(

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  2. So sweet. Your're doing a great job, Jo. I can't imagine how hard it is. ((hugs))

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  3. I feel the same way about my one kid with out D. She may not be as little but I hate it that D will always come first.

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  4. Love this post! How old was Mattias in that picture? He reminds me so much of Patrick right now at a little over 3 months. He is so adorable! It breaks my heart when my baby boy has to wait because of my own D, sucks!!!

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