I was hoping that my last post would somehow kick start my desire to write, but apparently, not so much. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. There are a bunch of ideas floating around in my brain, I just lack the energy to get it out.
I think it all started when Elise was sick a few weeks ago. That tummy bug left me adrift in a sea of lows that were exhausting. Whatever Elise had, it passed onto Mattias who spiked a fever of 104.5 in the middle of the night. Fred was out of town (which he has been most of the month), and it was a little scary.
I had never seen my little guy so sick. He was burning up and just holding him was making me nauseous because I was getting over-heated. It was 2:00 am, and I kept thinking to myself, what if I have to take him to a hospital? What do I do about Elise?
Obviously, the answer was; wake her up and take her with me, but I have never felt so alone and isolated as I did in that moment. Thankfully, his illness passed. But then the teething started. Which is almost worse, because at least when he was sick, he'd get all sleepy and cuddly. When he' teething, he just screams endlessly. Good times.
Then I started feeling sick. Except mine was different in the there-is-something-very-wrong-with-my-body kind of way. My heart started racing for no reason and my resting heart rate was 91. I started feeling nauseous, and tired. I felt weak. All the time.
The worst moment was when I was out with my kids shopping at Target, aka, the HAPPIEST place on earth (Disney has nothing on the big red bullseye), when my heart started to pound. Then I got dizzy. And nauseous. I felt like I was on the verge of passing out.
So I made my way over to a bench and sat down. Eventually, the feeling passed. I'm not going to lie... it was pretty scary. Fred was out of town and all I could think about was what would happen to Mattias, and especially Elise if I had to go to the hospital? It's a terrible feeling to be that alone, feeling like there isn't another person in your immediate area who can step in for you in times of trouble. The whole thing left me very shaken.
I went to the doctor and had a bunch of tests run. My heart was normal, but a bunch of bloodwork came back abnormal. They won't discuss it over the phone with me, and the first appointment I could get is Monday, because Fred just got back into town.
All I can say is it sucks; feeling this way. I want to write. I want to read your blogs and comment and support you, but I just can't. I'm too tired and all I can get away with is the bare minimum. We've been eating a lot of sandwiches around here lately. And I seem to be running out of underwear.
But I will be back. Hopefully soon. And look out, because I will read the crap out of your blogs and comment until you're sick of me. Deal?
1 week ago