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Monday, February 21, 2011

Something's got to give

It's been in a terrible week here. And while I am prone to hyperbole, the past seven days need none. The simple fact is I have hit a wall and I'm not sure I can even get back up.

Most of it is due to lack of sleep. By my calculations, I have had no more than 14 hours since last Monday. I wish I were kidding. We've had nights where we've constantly been battling lows. We've been dealing with night terrors. And each and every night, Mattias has decided to wake up and party every 3 or so hours.

Since Mattias doesn't have his own room and sleeps in ours, there's not a whole lot we can do. Last night at midnight, Fred set up the pack and play in our office and slept in there with him so I could get some sleep. Except that Elise's BG was low from 1:00 am until 5:00 am. I was up every 30 minutes checking to see if it was coming up.

The other night (well, morning since it was 5:00 am) with Mattias chatting up a storm in his crib, I completely lost it. I told Fred I would rather be dead than live like this. It was a total meltdown.

And before you call the men in white coats to take me away, of course I don't really feel like this... I am just so tired I can't even control my emotions anymore. I feel like I am perched on the edge of a very tall ledge and all it will take is the slightest breeze to send me into a free fall.


Being this tired has made it very hard to take care of Elise, and it's showing. Her numbers are crazy but I don't have the energy to figure it out. Seriously, it's all I can do to give her her insulin and prepare her food. I haven't made an actual meal in a week because it's just too overwhelming.

Add to all this the stress of buying a new house and trying to sell ours. We put an offer on an amazing house yesterday, but it's contingent on selling the one we're in now. Unfortunately, it's in no shape to be shown, and I don't even know where to start.

Are you bummed out yet?

I feel very removed from the DOC right now. Sure I've posted a few times, but really... I'm just phoning it in. I'm trying to read all of your blogs and comment; I just don't have it in me. I want to respond to all the lovely new people who have commented on my blog but there is just never any time (or energy).

I can't make Mattias sleep. I can't control Elise's diabetes or make her night terrors go away. Something's got to give and I'm afraid it just might be my sanity.

15 comments:

  1. I know about tired nights with baby/d-child. Nice that your husband at least tries to give you a break. Sometimes we do that in the mornings on weekends, take turns sleeping in...at least then we have one day that seems more normal. Sometimes I just ignore everything and sit back and watch a good movie. At least to semi-relax, though it doesn't involve sleeping. I know I've hyped this before, but pbs' masterpiece downton abbey -- online on its site -- is so great -- it will suck you in -- and maybe take you away from the stresses of your life for a little while! Hope you sleep soon...Amy

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  2. Oh God... I don't know what to say other than, hang in there! You have so much on your plate right now, it's no wonder you're having trouble. Any parents, family or friends near you who can help out? Please don't be someone who can't ask for help. Sometimes we ALL need a little help. You need to take care of yourself so that you can care for your family.

    Can I tell diabetes to SUCK IT for you?

    Take a bath, take a nap, take whatever you need to. Feel better! I'm sending you hugs!!!

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  3. ((((((hugs)))))) i wish i had advice. Or could help. I offer my shoulder and ear. Is there anyone you trust with the kids to watch em for some hours during the day so you can sleep and just be?

    Hoping it gets better for you Jo!

    Xoxo

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  4. Oh Joanne, I think the sleep thing has been my biggest problem lately too. Everything goes straight to hell in a hand basket when I get that tired.

    Flipin-ass-sucks!!!!!

    (((Big hugs)))

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  5. Oh joanne!!! I COMPLETELY understand!!! I felt with diabetes, starting on the pump, new baby, our rental getting foreclosed on (while we were living there!!!) and trying to buy a new house! I had a meltdown too, my blog was the 1st thing on my chopping block, any free second I had after taking care of my kids needed to be spent packing or unpacking and were still not settled!!!
    Please remember to take care of yourself first! You are completely useless to the kids if you're not "all there"! If you need to bring in a helper for a few hours a day to play with the kids while you sleep DO IT!!!

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  6. Sending lots of hugs. I don't even have a baby, and I feel like I don't have the energy to figure out Adam's crazy numbers lately. My kids ate peanut butter sandwiches tonight for dinner. Oh yeah, and goldfish crackers too. :)

    It's okay to take a break from the DOC. Don't worry about us...we are here for you always. ((hugs))

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  7. I'll keep you in my prayers Joanne...I know where you're at and it's rough! You know how they say to take one day at a time? Whoever said that didn't have a kid with D. Just take it one minute at a time. Good luck!

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  8. It can be so hard. Lack of sleep makes everything worse - anxiety increases, frustration climbs, inability to function gets more likely. For these reasons, I have a backup plan in mind. I keep a week's worth of dinners in the freezer, I have a shopping list of convenience foods that will cover a week, I have a stash of fast food gift cards, and I excuse myself from everything that's not vital. When the kids are sick, we have a ton of snow days or life just gets too overwhelming, I switch to my 'easy on me' week and let the laundry pile up and the non-essentials get ignored. Being the mom is hard. Take some time for yourself, sleep when you can, and just get through it.
    Stacy

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  9. Double freakin UGH my friend...I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. Not getting any sleep makes everything a million times harder!!! I wish i lived closer so I could help you out. I should mail you a package of Aero chocolate bars and Tim Hortons coffee... :o) I don't have a baby added in to my mix of craziness, but the one thing I have learned over the years with my D kid and lack of sleep is even if you can't get actual sleep...try to take time during the day...every day...to just sit down. Sit there, close your eyes, put your feet up, and ignore everything else...just get a few min. of relaxing YOU time. Hang in there!! You are one of the strongest people I have "met" and I completely admire you!!

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  10. Oh hon I wished I lived closer so I could come over, take that baby from you and take over Elise's management and send you and Fred away to sleep, sleep, sleep somewhere! Do you have anyone that can come in and help you - either with M or E? Is there someone, maybe from your church or a family member who can come and give you some assistance? Take care of yourself hon. The lack of sleep can just make us all crazy. Sending you love and wishes that you can get some help during this rough patch. Hang in there, I am thinking of you.

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  11. I'm so sorry Joann. Every child's vial of insulin should be accompanied by a vial of magic pills that allow the parents of those children to never need to sleep ever again. The hell is compounded tenfold when you are that painstakingly exhausted. It's impossible to think rationally.

    I hope each day gets a little better. :)

    PS - I'm glad Colin was studying hyperboles in school recently so I not only knew what you meant, but could properly pronounce it in my head. :)

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  12. You are over-worked, over-whelmed, over-stimulated, and over-pancreated. You, my dear, are over-IT!!!!!

    I just feel for you, sweet Joanne. Life is sucking it out of ya right now and I wish I could say something magical to make it all better :(

    Rest in prayer and He will heal and fill up what is empty. It doesn't hurt to throw in a prayer for a cure, too. Miracles DO STILL HAPPEN!!!!!

    ::sigh::

    ((Hug))

    **Bitchslap to D**

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  13. Oh, the sleep thing does me in every couple of months. I don't have an infant, but I have some other stresses in my life.... I SOOOO can relate to that feeling of being so completely overwhelmed. That's usually about the time I find myself tearing up over every. little. thing. Like someone else's kid doing well at a sporting event, or a normally-not-sappy commercial, or something else totally ridiculous.

    Here are the few tips I've figured out to keep myself sane: Pick up some quick foods-- frozen dinners, cheese, crackers, whatever gets you through. Don't worry about perfectly balanced meals for a little while. Try to grab a little rest any time you can- if the baby's sleeping will your daughter watch a video while you snuggle with her/nap on the couch? And forget about being online or supporting your DOC friends.... that comes way, way down on the list! Take care of yourself!

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  14. ((hugs))
    I totally understand feeling overwhelmed like that! I have so many days where I just don't care. Managing D is tough, raising a preschooler is tough, having a baby is tough, and you are doing all three (and more!!!) Give yourself a break. You are such an amazing mom and pancreas. Hang in there! and don't worry about making comments or keeping up on the DOC...you need to focus on YOU right now. If there is anything I can do for you from afar, let me know :-)

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  15. Let me first offer you a (((big hug))). From one D mom to another.

    I have been where you are and will, no doubt, be there again. Sometimes it feels like just living, breathing is all you can do. And, what I've learned in my 5+ years of dealing with D is that if that's all you can do then that's all you can do.

    You've been doing this long enough that you know what absolutely has to be done. And, that's all you need to do. If Elise has a few days of crappy sugars, then so be it. I don't mean to sound harsh, but the reality is that you can do everything "right" and she still have crappy sugars.

    What I'm trying to say is: cut yourself some slack. We are not superwomen. I know, hard to hear because we try so hard to be. It's OK to feel frustrated and angry. It's OK to want out for a little while.

    Take comfort in knowing that this too shall pass and in a week or two, hopefully, things will be back to our kind of normal.

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