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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The sun bloody well better come out tomorrow

Kids have it easy. When they don't want to do something, they can lay down on the floor, kicking and screaming until they get it out of their system.

Or they can stomp around, grumbling under their breath.

Or even just sit in their bed and pout. All of these sound like a fantastic way to get rid of the pent up rage I've got brewing.

Remember my craptastic day I posted about a few days ago? Well, today would have put that one to shame. I will spare you the blow-by-blow, but my evening culminated in the fire department coming to break into my car outside the ice rink after Elise's skating lesson because I had locked my keys in the car. Actually, I'd left them in the ignition. At least it wasn't running.

My spare set were in my husband's pocket. Unfortunately, he was 25,000 feet in the air somewhere between Atlanta and Dallas. So I called Laura who gave me my city's non-emergency number and the calvary was on their way. Thanks Laura, for being the ray of sunshine beaming into my porta-potty day.

But the worst? D decided to not play nice this time around. So on top of dealing with crappy situation after crappy situation, I was chasing numbers all over the place. I just wanted to lock myself in the closet and scream the "F" word as loud and as long as I could.

Today I was done. As in, I don't want to do this anymore. Like an angry child, I wanted to kick diabetes in the shin, take all my toys and go home.

I am so tired of carb-counting, weighing food, the smell of insulin, numbers that don't make sense, interrupted sleep, finding test strips strewn about my house, all the crap I have to haul around, shots, finger pokes, ketones, stuffing food into a sleeping child's mouth. Everything. All of it. Done.

But there is no done with diabetes. We can't just walk away. In fact, just having the desire to do it makes me feel as guilty as hell. And one day this will be Elise's life. She too will feel done, and utterly trapped by the fact that she never can be.

Today, diabetes can suck it. I am giving it the proverbial middle finger... sit on it and rotate, D.

17 comments:

  1. ugh, sounds like a rough day. I hope tomorrow is filled with rainbows, sunshine and beautiful flowers ;) Or maybe an amazing deal on something you've been coveting for a while...or..or...or...well I just hope it's better.
    Take care and know we've all been there, giving d the big ol' finger!

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  2. Just sending you warm hugs from AZ. (((hugs)))

    And, yeah, D can sit and spin.

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  3. Joanne, If I could reach through this computer right now and give you a big hug I would. Tonight I felt the same way. As a matter of fact I did run away. I was lucky tonight because Brian was home by 7:30 so I got in the car and left. I went to a movie but first I called 2 girlfriends who met me there and I swear I had a out of body experiance I was standing in the parking lot strangling my keys and then said if I can put that in words this is how my day was.
    Girl I love you and am here with you everyday telling D to suck it too!

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  4. There have definitely been days when I've been done with diabetes, and then there are the days I feel guilty for not giving 100%. All you can do is take it day by day! As your daughter grows up, she will have a strong support system (one that includes you) and that will help her get through the days where she doesn't want to deal with anymore. On those kind of days, I usually cry and call my mom. :)

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  5. Oh Jo...I am so sorry you had a bad "D"ay! I too feel guilty when I just want to be "done" because I realize that Joe will never have that option...and as his type 3, I don't have the option either. It is hard, the "never-ending-ness" of it all.

    I hope you wake up to a wonderful day. Please tell the fam "hi"...I heart you!!!

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  6. Someday, you'll laugh about your day. Probably not any time soon.
    Hugs and hope for a better day today.

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  7. You hit it right on the head!!! (...and rotate - LOVE IT!!!!)

    I hope today is a better day for you! Remember, we are all here for you...vent, vent, vent!

    (((HUGS))))

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  8. If D had a collective ass we could all kick, it better start runnin' because there would be an angry mob, led by a certain fiery redhead.... (and rotate... ahh haha!)

    I'm sorry for your bad day. Let's hope that everybody is healthy next Monday- I think we all need it. Hang in there friend. Hugs.

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  9. ((((HUGS))))

    The sun WILL come out tomorrow... or the next day... or maybe the day after that. The point is... it WILL get better.

    ((((HUGS)))) again

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  10. ((hugs))

    wishing you a happy day with a cooperative D.

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  11. I am right there with ya wanting to kick D in the shin Joanne...ugh. I hope today was better for you!! And don't ever feel guilty for wanting to be done....we need to let that out every now and again or I am pretty sure our heads would actually explode. I'm not positive...but I really don't want to test that one out...too messy and I don't feel like cleaning up another mess...lol...HUGS!!

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  12. Oh Annie!!! D is full of hard knocks. More than for your average life liver. While we can't control the cloud cover, we can at least look around and see how many others are pasty white, too.

    And hey! Miss Hooligan dealt with her craptastic days by drinking . . . bottums up?!

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  13. Yes, the sun will come out tomorrow; there will be days like you had too. It's okay to get angry; therapuetic, in fact. I hope and pray there will be advances by the time Elise is older so she will NOT have to go through all that you do. I have more hope for these advances being there in time for Elise (being so very young) than our girl who will be on her own all too soon. Smart insulin or the Indian version of it..... hoping and praying for the ten year timeframe. Surely, surely, there will be a noninvasive or implantable cgms by then? I believe day to day management will be a lot easier in ten years. Yes... a long wait......

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  14. I've been meaning to leave a comment Joanne since your other post about what your daughter said. That breaks my heart what she is thinking and feeling as well. Really, what she said has been on my mind a lot since reading that. I think you handled it wonderfully...what more can we do, but to be there for them and listen to them and encourage them. It sounds to me like you are ready to "Deplane the D-Plane" as well (that's a reference to one of my posts a couple months ago). Grab a bottle and let's go! I hear ya!Hang in there.

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  15. Wait...are we leading parallel lives? Wait...yes...yes we are! I've had some craptastic days lately, but there is always tomorrow! Hoping your tomorrows are better than today friend!

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