Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Bringing home baby... again

Do you remember the day you left the hospital with your first born? The giddy excitement you felt at finally going home to be a family. The joy. The incredible high of gazing into that sweet face. I remember that there were twinges of fear, too. Most of them were hormonally-charged, but I was a little incredulous of the fact that the hospital was entrusting this tiny life to me; especially since I had NO idea what I was doing.

Almost one year to the day we brought Elise home for the first time, we were doing it again. This time from a different hospital, under very different circumstances. There was no joy. No excitement. No euphoric high.

Just fear.

A terrible, gut-wrenching fear. Because, once again, I was being sent out into the world, with a tiny life in my hands. And once again, I had NO idea what I was doing.

I remember vividly the panic I had, because just two hours after being discharged, Fred was on a plane to New York. Thankfully, my Mom was able to fly in, but I was all alone in that I was the only person in that house that could care for Elise. Somehow, I had managed to escape giving Elise a shot the entire time we were at the hospital, but now it was my time to step up.

Our first few weeks at home after diagnosis were eerily similar to when we brought Elise home as a newborn; learning schedules, trying to figure out her needs, lots of crying (from Mom and baby), and sleepless nights.

The only difference was, I was missing the joy. And I think it's that joy that helps you get over the complete shock of what it's like bringing home a baby for the first time. I look back and wonder how I managed to get through the first months post-dx without any joy to sustain me.

Honestly? I don't know. I think you just go on auto-pilot and do whatcha gotta do. If I could go back and talk to my post-dx self, I would tell her to find the joy where she can; in having medicine to treat your baby, in a beautiful day, in finding chocolate in the cupboard, in knowing that all the hard work, tears, sleepless nights and stress are worth it.

Because in just 2 1/2 short years, her little baby will be the most incredibly funny, smart, silly, beautiful, loving and wonderful 3 year old she could ever imagine.


  1. Beautiful post...and a beautiful little girl :)

  2. What a beautiful post...and she is a beautiful girl with a beautiful mama. :)

  3. I heart that face!

    What a beautiful tribute to your journey. It IS all worth it for that sweet little face!

  4. Beautiful post, and gorgeous pics. xoxo

  5. She is so amazing.

    PS -- So is her mommy :)

  6. truley an amazing post! I remember thinking the excat same things. It was so hard to come home from the hospital the 2nd time with him. This post hit very close to home! THANKS for a great read

  7. AMEN to that. Shes precious xx

  8. I just have to first say . . . . I want to EAT your baby. Aaahhhhhh. I feel better now about saying that. You?

    About the joy my dear; it was there all along (as you notice now in that blasted crystal clear hindsight), however, as I am learning, you must open those clenched fists of furry in order to have open hands to receive the joy.

    But who can say thanks when their baby (literally) is diagnosed with T1D? I can't imagine the strength and wisdom it would take to offer that up at the time, but we (you) do see it now . . . . and you are honoring it by this beautifully written post.

    Have missed you!!!!! And, your next comment better have some sarcasm or else I am going to ...... well ...... I'll think of something and it will be gggoooodddd ;)

  9. Beautiful! What a little princess you have!

  10. DITTO! My son was in the ICU exactly 2 weeks after he turned 1. I gave him ONE shot in the hospital, but never checked his sugar. I remember getting home, sitting on the sofa, watching him sleep. Just watching, hoping that he is okay. Then, the moment of truth. He woke up and was HUNGRY. That was the moment my new life truly began.

  11. wow I just blogged about this very feeling this week. She is soooo adorable in all the photos and i know exactly how you feel.
    Hope all is well in your busy life :)

  12. Wasn't it you that made the cartoon video about what not to say to a parent of a CWD? (I'm pretty sure it was) At the Bean's endo appt the other day our endo asked if I'd seen that and then quoted his favorite line, "There are two things my kid can't eat...."

    You're totally famous in D-land!

  13. beautiful...and LOVE the pictures!

  14. Wonderful post, I remember those feelings all too well.

    Elise is such a beautiful girl!

  15. Asses! What a cutie! Love the pics. And I hear you on the sentiment. Same.

  16. They are both adorable. Miss having babies and toddlers around the house... they grow up so fast. Enjoy them.

  17. Beautiful! You made me tear up! :)


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