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Friday, January 27, 2012

Underwhelmed

Yesterday was report card day. Our first one since we started pumping. I was bracing myself for a huge jump since we still are having trouble nailing down Elise's settings. The girl has no patterns whatsoever.

We had been seeing a lot of highs after working our way back from that weirdness of lows a few weeks ago. Really I had no idea what to expect, so I did the old "hope for the best and expect the worst." I'm a realist like that.

6.9

Huh. Which pretty much was my response when Dr. T announced the number. We agreed that the 9+ days of wack-a-doo lows probably had a lot to do with it, but she stressed that she thought we were doing a good job.

As Randy from American Idol would say, "I'm just not feelin' ya dawg."

The whole appointment left me decidedly underwhelmed. And I think one of the things bugging me (and I told the doc this), is that I feel ineffectual and inadequate.

You see, the beauty of the pump is the ability to fine-tune and micro-manage numbers.

And the horribleness of the pump is the exact same thing.

Because sometimes all that control is so freaking overwhelming, it makes me want to cry. I constantly ask myself, "am I doing enough?", because I know I could be doing more than I am. I feel like I've become a bit complacent... but that doesn't exactly describe it.


It's sort of like having a huge clean-up job to do and not knowing where to start. And when you try to start cleaning up, more piles of dirt keep popping up. And all you want to do is just lie down and go to sleep, hoping that when you wake up, the mess will be gone.

Dr. T did say something that struck me though. Sometimes you have to sit still and do nothing. That, I think I've got down to a science.

What I have to learn is, to be okay with it.

***I think I need to be more clear. Any other day, I would happy with 6.9. In fact, I went back and looked at our last A1c and it was exactly the same. It's just that I don't think that number reflects my effort (which has been both a lot and not enough at the same time). I think what I'm trying to say is I should be happy about that number, but I feel numb about it more than anything.

13 comments:

  1. WOW... what an awesome report card! You are doing a great job even if you don't think or feel you are...all you have to do is look at your beautiful children to see it! Wish I had the the art of sitting still mastered..."D" always seems to have me running around in circles like a mad women most days.

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  2. You so nailed it in your post. The ability to be able to do more gives you the pressure to do more. Love your ability to capture sentiment...

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  3. 6.9 is great. 6.9 is wonderful. 6.9 does not, in any way shape or form, define how much work you put into Elise's care. Now repeat that in your head til you start believing it.
    Sit still, there are patterns. There are. I rail at Gary and scream 'There is NO pattern to this and this this!!!'

    What I have learned from Gary, I want to repeat to you. He tells me all the time 'There are ALWAYS patterns. Sometimes they are hard to uncover, but they are there.' New sets of eyes help with patterns.

    You are fantastic. You are fantastic. You are fantastic

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  4. 6.9 is a great number!!! And yet, even with how great it is, it does NOT define your worth. It does not define your abilities. More than anything, maybe it reveals how much D has been acting up lately giving you a hard time. But I think 6.9 is a pretty well behaved D myself. :)
    GOOD JOB!! You must, must, must have times to be still! Being still is healthy for you and for your child. Of course you'll keep plugging away, but the balance of being still and focusing attention and making effort is something we need to model to our kids. You are doing a great job at this!!! :) It is a marathon, not a sprint.
    OK, stepping down from soap box now. :)

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  5. I have been following your blog since our diagnoses a couple of weeks ago. My immediate thought when I read this is that it must be so hard to relinquish control to the pump when we are so used to being the ones in control of D (to the very best of our abilities) for our children. Rejoice in this number for now, because you had a lot to do with it, remember it's a 3 month snapshot. The time to question will be when you have been pumping for an entire 3 months and have an A1C that doesn't jive with what you have been experiencing. Thanks for sharing your journey with us, it is inspiring.

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  6. Holy cow. (Minus the recent endo appt and whack-a-doo lows) I've been having this exact conversation with myself for the last week! Feeling complacent but that's not exactly right. I don't see the patterns either. Sigh. Recently I HAVE found myself sitting still but it includes glassy eyes that dart back and forth and a little drool. Tomorrow's another day. Thanks for posting!

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  7. You know what, Joanne? I TOTALLY GET THIS. Totally. Our last A1C was 6.9, and I fully expect it to be higher on Monday because of our transition to the Pod. But...he's had more lows lately, and I'm wondering if we'll end up with the same A1C. And, if we're at the same? I will feel underwhelmed too. And at a loss, because even with pumping and all the "greatness" of tweaking, I still feel like I cannot get it right. And some days I wonder if I ever will! I let things slide for a few days, then tell myself to buckle down and log every number. And guess what? There is NO FREAKING PATTERN to anything. And then I say "fuck it" and stop logging. And so on...rinse, repeat - the same cycle over and over. So, my friend, you are not alone. ((hugs))

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  8. one thing i've noticed in the 37yrs of being diabetic, patterns change. nothing remains the same for long. 6.9 is an awesome #, and you should be proud of what you do. as you have been seeing, the pump makes things easier but harder at the same time. don't freak out. just do what you do best, and don't stress, and don't go crazy trying to figure it out. remember to breathe!!

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  9. perfectly described Jo! It is a blessing and a curse I think...the ability to have all those things to tweak. You are doing fantastic though and please don't forget that!

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  10. The beginning of pumping is like this. Its hell. I concur!

    6.9 is kick ass. Penny said it all. So true!

    The two things that made me go from wanting to smash the pump to kissing it was Think like a Pancreas and Pumping Insulin.

    Best. Books. Ever.

    You rock. Please don't forget that!

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  11. 6.9 is AWESOME!! Especially for her age.
    You are obviously doing a great! (though I get the frustrations with all the variables in pumping)
    Keep up the good work and be proud!!

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  12. You are doing so well with Elise. Even when you ask for advice, it usually turns out you were right all along. I agree about the lack of patterns sometimes, or when a new pattern creeps up. But the next time you have serious lows that are odd, should not be, calling for a great reduction in bolus insulin, you will remember from past experience and know what to do because you have done it in the past. Same with crazy high spurts; you will be forced to figure it out, you will remember next time and you will be armed for battle with past experience. Sadly, sometimes the experience may not help others because Type 1 is so individualized and everybody responds differently. But many times there are features in common and you can get help from others. A Mom or a PWD is the best doctor for their own Type 1; endos know this, which is why you may not get as much input as you need. I have not noticed a change in A1c with the pump. But the pump lets a child be a child. You are doing a fabulous job. Who could do better?

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  13. Ugh, Joanne...I read this and thought I commented days ago!
    I get where you are coming from...amazing number or not, sometimes you just want to pull your hair out.
    Hang in there...you totally kick ass and Eliese is one lucky girl to have an amazing mom like you!

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