Yesterday was report card day. Our first one since we started pumping. I was bracing myself for a huge jump since we still are having trouble nailing down Elise's settings. The girl has no patterns whatsoever.
We had been seeing a lot of highs after working our way back from that weirdness of lows a few weeks ago. Really I had no idea what to expect, so I did the old "hope for the best and expect the worst." I'm a realist like that.
Huh. Which pretty much was my response when Dr. T announced the number. We agreed that the 9+ days of wack-a-doo lows probably had a lot to do with it, but she stressed that she thought we were doing a good job.
As Randy from American Idol would say, "I'm just not feelin' ya dawg."
The whole appointment left me decidedly underwhelmed. And I think one of the things bugging me (and I told the doc this), is that I feel ineffectual and inadequate.
You see, the beauty of the pump is the ability to fine-tune and micro-manage numbers.
And the horribleness of the pump is the exact same thing.
Because sometimes all that control is so freaking overwhelming, it makes me want to cry. I constantly ask myself, "am I doing enough?", because I know I could be doing more than I am. I feel like I've become a bit complacent... but that doesn't exactly describe it.
It's sort of like having a huge clean-up job to do and not knowing where to start. And when you try to start cleaning up, more piles of dirt keep popping up. And all you want to do is just lie down and go to sleep, hoping that when you wake up, the mess will be gone.
Dr. T did say something that struck me though. Sometimes you have to sit still and do nothing. That, I think I've got down to a science.
What I have to learn is, to be okay with it.
***I think I need to be more clear. Any other day, I would happy with 6.9. In fact, I went back and looked at our last A1c and it was exactly the same. It's just that I don't think that number reflects my effort (which has been both a lot and not enough at the same time). I think what I'm trying to say is I should be happy about that number, but I feel numb about it more than anything.
1 week ago