Sunday, February 5, 2012

It's a loney world in here

It 's a Saturday night and you know that outside your windows, plans are being made. People are going on dates. Movies are being watched, dinners eaten as families. Live music listened to. Couples holding hands and cuddling in the chilly air.

You are alone. Well, you and your children. But it has been days since you last saw a real live person that you're connected to. You look out the windows and think about the plans. You try not to dwell on the loneliness, but even the wind seems determined to make you sad; howling through the house and making the emptiness resound.

You are tired. You have slept only a handful of hours in the past few nights and your exhaustion only magnifies the solitude. The cause of your fatigue cannot solely be blamed on diabetes, but also having to rock a sick and teething baby well into the night and you're pretty sure you spent more time in your children's rooms than your own.

You're ashamed at your short temper; yelling at your children for the simplest wrong-doing. Remorseful, you pull them into your lap to apologize, just to find yourself doing it again 10 minutes later.

You think of your friends and wonder what they're doing. As you pick up the phone to reach out, the thought of trying to explain all you've been through the past few nights is too overwhelming, so you hang up; feeling even more alone.

You're jealous of the fun your husband is having while away in New York with his family. And while you don't begrudge him his good time, your mind selfishly asks, "when is that last time I got to do anything like that?"

I know I'm not the only one feeling these things. It's just diabetes has a way of beating you up and making you feel so isolated. And as I sit at my laptop and regurgitate my despondency upon the rest of you, I try to take solace knowing that maybe my words will resonate with someone else who feels the same way at this exact moment.


  1. Oh I have so been there -but hang on in there, it doesn't last forever( may seem like it at times). We are here for you!

  2. She's right. It doesn't last forever, it just feels like it some weeks (months?).

  3. (HUGS to you). When hubby gets home, you need to get a girl's night out. He'll be home before you know it.

  4. You are not alone.

    Sometimes I can barely contain my jealous-ness of my husband and his business trips and fancy dinners AND of those friends of mine who can whisk off for a weekend of fun with nary a care in the world.

    My mom has offered to let us have a weekend away...but once I start even THINKING about the logistics of leaving my diabetic child for a weekend, I shut down. It wouldn't even be relaxing anyway because I'd always be worried. And? The fact that that is never going to change is what makes me feel so jealous of others. That kind of freedom was stripped away from all of us the day our kids got diagnosed.

    Ahem. Sorry for hijacking your post. :) You can tell that it gets to me too. ((hugs))

  5. The younger years with kids can be so overwhelmingly lonely, especially when day after day we give 1000% and never see other adults! Definitely one sucky part of being a great mom! (hugs) I hear ya, and it does get easier as little ones get older!

  6. Oh, friend... I wish you were my neighbor :(

  7. I heart you.

    Just so you know, I'm all alone sitting at the computer too.

    Frustrated by Matthew's lows on Wednesday, then steady on Thursday, then lows again on Friday, then high last night.

    Sigh. It's a lonely sigh...

  8. Oh I hate to hear you've felt so alone. I've been there and I know how un-fun it is. :( Remember that you are in my thoughts, so you aren't really quite alone.

  9. I know the feeling... especially the feeling you get as you put down the phone. There are just conversations that you dont know how to start.

    Put some headphones on... dance around the house to some kick ass music and let it all go for a bit. That always seemed to work for me.

  10. totally with you if diabetes doesn't take enough from our right to "normalcy" also makes us feel that isolation even harder sometimes. HUGS to you and I hope you get a night out soon!

  11. Feeling the same way too. I too often look out the window and wonder if it will always be this way. The only posts I can find the time to do as of late are pictures and all my thoughts and feelings just keep getting stuffed inside. Thinking of you tonight...know you are not alone in this life. xoxo

  12. I soooo know how you feel Joanne. It sucks sometimes, but it will pass, I promise.

    Hang in there!

  13. Oh, yeah. I've thought those thoughts many times.

    You totally need an evening out when Fred gets home. And you know he's awesome like that and will totally want you to go!!

  14. oh, man. i so get that feeling of needing the connection but not knowing where to start. i'm glad that even though you hung up the phone, you still reached out to the DOC through this post.

    as you can see, everyone has had similar moments. i wish i lived near you, because i am sure even a short time away from the house would do you a world of good.

    hope things have improved in the past couple of days. you can email me any time, you know. <3

  15. We don't even have the diabetes factor in our lives, but I feel the exact same way most of the time. Husband works three jobs, which means he's NEVER home, except for to sleep for about 5 hours or so. No car, can't even run to the store to grab something fun to make for dinner just to do something "different." I wish I had the willpower to stay off of FB/Twitter so I didn't see all the fun everyone else seems to be having without me. I invite people over, they are too busy. I can't be jealous of my husband's "fun" as he's out of the house, because I know he is exhausted, has that constant migraine and just wants to be home with us too. Being an adult sucks sometimes. Thanks for being brave enough to write what I keep thinking about, but can't bring myself to blog in public.


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