Do you know what I hate? That diabetes never completely leaves us alone. It's always there, like a nosy neighbour who comes knocking at the most inopportune times, intent on driving you crazy.
Mattias has reflux. Bad. Like, 60-plus-burp-clothes-are-not-enough bad. Like, 8-outfit-changes-in-a-day bad. If reflux was an Olympic sport, he would win the gold medal, earning perfect 10s for volume, accuracy, and number of times. You get the idea.
In the last few weeks, I noticed his feedings started to taper of. I wondered if 2-month old should only eat six times a day. Then, the length of nursing started to shorten too. He would wake up in the morning and feed for only 6 minutes on one side, and be done. If I even attempted to make him feed more, he'd scream.
Otherwise, he seemed fine. Growing, smiling and just generally being the good baby that he is.
My major freak-out happened last Saturday. He hadn't eaten in 5 hours because we were out running errands. He seemed happy enough until we got home and I tried to feed him. It was like I was torturing him. He refused to eat. He had done this a few times before, but I could always get him to feed if I just waited it out. This time he wasn't having it. And this brought out crazy Joanne.
Because this situation is so terrifyingly familiar. At about 8 months, Elise went on a nursing strike. Same sort of deal (minus the reflux). I thought maybe she was wanting to wean, but I wasn't ready for that, so we fought through it. It took about a month, and she came around. And started feeding more and longer than ever. Now I know why.
Because a few months later, she was diagnosed with diabetes. And now my mind is going there with Mattias. I can't help it. That Saturday I even checked his BG. It was 115. But I start to think... he hasn't eaten in 5 hours, shouldn't it be lower? True, he was VERY agitated. But... what if?
The hard part is that there are so many variables. The reflux... but he seems to be okay and doesn't cry when feeding anymore.
My thyroid level was high and my meds had to be adjusted. Over-active thyroid interferes with milk production. But if he's not getting enough, wouldn't he want to eat MORE?
I do have a history of making too much milk. Maybe he's getting enough in those first few minutes. But when I pump, I usually only get an ounce or so out of the side he didn't feed on. And sometimes his diaper is still dry after 3 hours.
So many questions, and I don't have any answers. He's been to the doc, and she says he looks good. No sign of infections. Gaining weight (for now - she says it could take a few weeks for his weight to slow down if he's not getting enough). He seems content. Rarely cries and loves to smile.
And yesterday he started feeding well again. And I was happy. Until I remembered what happened with Elise. And there was diabetes again, knocking on the door and wanting to be let in.
Mattias being diagnosed is not what scares me the most. I'm afraid I'll miss the signs; convince myself that it couldn't be, and he could get very sick. Right now I think about it to the point of being obsessed, and I have to hold myself back from checking his BG.
I just need a break. From the fear. The obsessing. But mostly, from Diabetes. Somehow I don't think that's going to happen.
15 hours ago