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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Finding light in the darkness

Last night I did something I haven't done since I was a kid.

I cried myself to sleep.

I was so emotionally spent that I just couldn't keep it together and I wept into my pillow. Streams of silent tears coursed down my face as I could feel the toll the last few days were having on me. My body ached. My bones felt weary. Every nerve felt raw. As I drifted off to sleep, I vowed that I was going to do better tomorrow.

And although today wasn't perfect... it WAS better. We went to the park and played in the beautiful sunshine. Mattias took a two hour nap while Elise and I played Strawberry Shortcake. I was able to clear out some of my email inbox. We had hot dogs for dinner and went shopping at Target.

There were still nursing problems. Food battles. Low after low after low. Dexcom crapping out on us multiple times. But all that seemed secondary to the joy we had and the love we shared.

Because I am blessed. I KNOW that. But sometimes this disease steals all the joy from your life and all you see is darkness. Thankfully, I have so much light in my life too.

Like her:




And him:



And them:



All of them:



Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
-excerpt from The Prayer of St. Francis

14 comments:

  1. I wish there was something that I could do to help!! Sending love and hugs your way and here's to bringing in the sunshine :) Cheers!!

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  2. DUDE, I wanna come and hang with my fellow Portuguese Peeps! Love you Jo and "same-same" ... know where you are and know how hard you are working to see the good and the greatness in it all...sometimes it just feels like shit. Love you.

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  3. Glad today was better...and hope it keeps getting even better for you! Wish I could take some of the stress from you...it sounds from your recent posts like you've got SO much going on. Hopefully something will give soon and your load will be lightened. In the meantime, sending some hugs your way!

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  4. Just keep looking into their eyes...they will get you through! Thing about hard times, when we are in the thick of it, it seems it is going to last forever. And then one day, things are just better. I don't know why we need to go through such hard times, but they do make the good days brighter for sure. Love you friend!!

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  5. Oh Joanne....Im so sorry. I remember the nursing problems with Maddison, and I didnt have Diabetes to deal with then...THAT was hard enough. :( I think now that you had a good cry the sunshine can begin to seep back in. ((HUGS))

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  6. Praying things get better for you soon! I hate the stress of diabetes on top of nursing. I had problems nursing too, but at the time didn't have diabetes to deal with too. That was just around the corner. It's good to have a cry once and and while. It helps get you through the hard times. Sending ((hugs)) and smiles your way today!

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  7. There's nothing better than a good cry sometimes. Add in some time with the Lord and you're good to go again.

    Sending HUGS!!!!

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  8. Oh, Jo. You made me cry! I'm so sorry that you and your sweet family have to go through this. Praying for a cure! I know that's trite, but seriously. I'm so glad that you know how to count your blessings, though. Can you imagine what people in your situation do that have no hope? That breaks my heart. I wish I could be of more assistance to you guys. =/

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  9. Adorable pictures!! I often cry just to get some of the stress out and let go of the negative and dark feelings that build up. Glad you got to enjoy your children :)

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  10. I"m sorry Joann. Those pics are unbelievably cute. :)

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  11. ((((HUGS))) I am sorry you had such a rough night/week.

    But I am glad you took the time to appreciate your blessings.

    They are too cute!!

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  12. Jo, I'm a little behind on my blog reading. My heart aches for you . . . with you. I think we need to plan a date and let me come over there and love you your kiddos (and you) for a bit. It's silly to be so close and not. Plus, I don't want you to EVER feel alone in this (and i know you don't but sometimes we all do). Love your pics sooo much! (((HUGS)))

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  13. oh gosh... yeah diabetes is attempting to steal your joy but really only you can agree to hand it over. you really are blessed that is one beautiful family xx.

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  14. Your kiddos are so adorable! :)

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