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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Controlling the freak


Day 3 - One thing to improve

Hmmm, if ever there was a time to throw down the wild card, I think this would be it.  Really?  Letting you guys see my inner suckiness?  Getting all vulnerable and crap?

Scary.

But no.  If I got to brag on myself yesterday, today I should show you my faults.

I think the one thing I need to improve on is to being able to let go.  Stop trying to do it all.  Doing everything and delegating nothing.  I have some serious control issues people.

Think of me like a toddler in the throes of a tantrum, clutching a trinket of some sort in her tiny fists, all the while yelling, "MIIIIIIIIINE!"

Yeah.  That's kinda how I am with Elise's diabetes.

Because in my mind, nobody can do as good of a job taking care of her as I can.  And while technically that is true, that doesn't mean anyone else can't take care of her.  We've had friends step up and say they'd like to learn how to care for Elise, which I am thankful for, but it's just SO hard to let go.

I guess I get overwhelmed with trying to convey the "everything-ness" of diabetes to people, that I'd need a flow chart that would cover the entire wall in my family room to cover every scenario.  I know you can't see said wall, but trust me... I'm staring at it right now.  And it's big.

A lot of it is also just habit.  Elise was so little at diagnosis... Leaving her was out of the question. When she was 18 months old, I enrolled us in a "Mommy and Me" gymnastics class.  When she turned 2, the classes turned into just "Me".  Meaning, I had to leave the gym and watch from an observation area.  Needless to say, we dropped out of the class at that point.  I remember feeling so sad and alone, wondering if this is what it would be like until she left for university.

I now know that it's not, and I have taken steps towards letting go.  She's in pre-school.  I'll let Fred prepare her food, even if I'm home.  I can sit and watch as she checks her own sugar and boluses herself.

But even I can admit, I've still got a long way to go. 

Baby steps out the door.  Baby steps out the door...

13 comments:

  1. I can't imagine how hard this is. I really hesitate to let anyone watch my almost 3 year old with severe food allergies, even though we have an epi-pen on hand. I just have such an issue trusting...I don't know. And with the diabetes, I believe it's much, much, much more challenging for a caretaker than just avoiding foods. So please don't be hard on yourself. You're just doing your job. I hope things get easier for you. If you choose not to let your daughter out of your site, I can understand. My parents didn't let my sister who was diagnosed with 3 in anyone's care for a long time-and then it was me, the big sister with type 1. Hang in there D-mama!

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  2. I can only imagine how you must have felt! I think you're doing great. I see little diabetic kids at the school my kids go to and I wonder how they manage. How do they feel? Who knows what the heck to do for them? Who can see their lows like the people they live with and who love them. It can't be as easy. But, like me, they probably enjoy the independence. *sigh* Letting go is hard for a mom, even without a diabetic! :D You're doing great.

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  3. I think I had to let go a bit out of necessity. I just COULDN'T do it all alone.

    Baby steps indeed!

    (and I like a copy of that flow chart please.)
    :)

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  4. Baby steps it is and if you ever need a little push you know your friends are near ;)

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  5. I feel like "letting go" has been moving at a snail's pace over here. But, one day, I sent her to a birthday party without me for THREE hours -- with dinner and cake and lots of backyard running around!!!! (Umm...it was 2 houses up the street, but still. I didn't hover.)

    You're doing great, Jo!! All of the sudden, it happens. Sometimes you don't even realize it until you're in the moment...the moment when you realize that your precious girl is doing her thing, while you're at home amazed at how far you've come.

    Keep up the GREAT work!

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  6. WHAT ABOUT BOB!

    your post made me think of reyna's about the sandwich she let her sister make, do you know that one?

    i also was tempted to use a wildcard today! but i had the same rationale about sharing the good with the bad.

    baby steps soon turn into big steps, so you're on your way.

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  7. Being a mom is hard enough. Being a mom of a CWD has to be ridiculously hard. I admire you, and all the other D parents, SO much! Your children are very lucky indeed.

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  8. I am definitely a helicopter parent for sure! I often wonder if I will ever be able to let go of my babie...but you give me hope that one day little by little it will happen for both me and my little guy!

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  9. Sounds very relatable. ;) Hugs.

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  10. The first time my good friend and neighbor (and mother of 3)took care of our first born for a few hours, I gave her two pages of instructions. He didn't have d or any other problems. She kept the damn instructions and we and friends still laugh that I did that. He's turning 35 next month.
    I understand your hesitancy...

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  11. It's a big deal though, our babies health and safety is on the line, but I am with you it's been a long road of letting go just to keep Isaac enrolled in his Y classes this year. I think you're doing great and are an inspiration to me in how/where to help things move in the right direction for our children's appropriate developmental stage.

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  12. Oh my goodness...you totally can't judge yourself in this category! This has to be THE hardest thing for me. I'm finally able to let others do small pieces of Ally's D care (but don't you think I'm not looking over their shoulder!). It's so scary. I will say that as she gets older and is more aware of her own D care, it is getting teeny tiny bits easier. Baby steps are all you can ask for! That is success to me!

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  13. Let what? Where? with who? ;)

    I am much better now about letting go and letting HIM take the reigns but I still dont trust more than 2 people with him. And even then I am callig constantly. It takes time...we will do it together.

    Miss u and love u!

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