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Monday, May 7, 2012

When Diabetes decides

About 6 months post-dx, we were at one of Elise's endo appointments. I don't remember much about the appointment, except when Elise's doc asked us the very same question that Fred and I had been mulling over in our brains;

"Are you planning on having any more children?"

Right before Elise was diagnosed with diabetes, we had tentatively started planning to start trying for baby #2. Diabetes brought that process to a screeching halt.
The question caught us by surprise and I think we answered something to the effect of, "well... we were. But you know... diabetes."


Then she asked, "why has diabetes changed that?"

And I told her that life with baby and d was just so hard. That I was worn so thin, how could I handle another baby? And what if it happened again?

Then she said something that I have never forgotten. "Never let diabetes stand in the way of living your life. You don't want to look back and have regrets over a decision you made because of diabetes."

That was a very clarifying moment for me. With all that was in me, I knew I wanted another child. I knew that Elise would be an amazing big sister and that we were never meant to be a family of three.

I don't know about the rest of you, but so much of our lives, post-dx was decided by d. Some days it seemed that every minutiae was governed by what diabetes had to say at any given time. A lot of this had to do with Elise's young age and the fact that we were on shots.

Three and a half years later, the voice of diabetes has been diminished somewhat. We had that second child; a darling and adorable little boy named Mattias whose larger-than-life personality cracks us up on a daily basis.  I can barely breathe when I think that there might have been a life without him.

We are now pumping, which gives d a lot less of a say in the when/where/ and what we eat.

But we still haven't put a muzzle on d completely. Lately Fred and I have talked about having another baby. And the same fears are given voices, only they are louder now. We're still tired. Still stretched thin. And always what if. Now times two.


I've always said that diabetes is almost like an additional child anyway. It wants attention. Can can ugly when ignored. Doesn't behave when you want it to. Costs a lot of money. Doesn't let you sleep. All of the down-side and none of the sweetness of first smiles and steps. Hearing them say "Mama" for the first time. No lovely little kisses and hugs for no reason.

But again, I don't feel "done". If we do it, this will be our last. And I don't want diabetes to stand in our way.

If it happens, or not, I don't ever want to say I let diabetes decide.

11 comments:

  1. I'm glad your endo said what he/she did...diabetes certainly shouldn't stop another life from coming into the world.

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  2. We had our 2nd baby a week after Zane was diagnosed - what a whirlwind. At the beginning of D, I remembered thinking if he had been dx'd 10 mos earlier, I wouldn't have had another - BUT that was when things were still so scary and unfamiliar. I'm happy that we had baby L when we did b/c I'm not sure what would've happened. I LOVE what your Endo said and its great advice that we (especially I) should always remember! Good luck.

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  3. So, there will be four, one cute daughter, a handsome son, a darling baby and that darn diabetes hanging around.
    You'll have a grand time, I'm sure!

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  4. I can't image what you went through with Elise being so young when dx'd. Ava was 7 and is now almost 11. Podding, maturity and time have lessened the diabetes work for me. Elise will spend more and more time away from you at school and with friends. While you will still be on top of everything d related, she will be able to handle a lot sooner than you think. There is a good article in the Forecast mag this month about teens going off to college. Ideally, they will be doing most everything d related before they leave. I hadn't really thought about it before. We still have a few frustrating, crazy times with d but it mostly feels very mundane and manageable. Your endo gave good advice! Go for it!

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  5. I don't feel done either and this has been on my heart lately too with everyone around me having another one but we are done(hubby says)and I grieve for this as well as my two babies in heaven daily. I will pray that you and our kiddos never let diabetes stand in their way! Thinking of you. xoxo

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  6. You know how I feel about this. I had more...and I know my boys are glad I did. Not always super easy, but always super worth it.

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  7. You have an AWSCHUM Endo!
    Can't wait to see pictures of you getting fat . . . from pregnancy, of course ;)
    And, your licence plate: A to Z'd?

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  8. That is a very strong message and great idea, not permitting misfortune to stop you from letting more blessings into your life.

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  9. We were a family of 4 with one on the way when then our 17month old was dx'd. We have since had another two, making the total 7 kids. Diabetes hasn't changed our decisions, just upped the ante.

    Babies are the easy part. And diabetes isn't going anywhere, so we just make it work. And love every part of it :)

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  10. i love that elise's endo said what they did. more power to you and your fam, whatever your future may bring! :)

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