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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Dear Mattias

You are my second born. My son. I have loved you since the moment I found out about you. And yes, I love you just as much as I love your sister. Such a strange thing for a mother to have to say, but I feel there just might come a day when you don't believe it.

I want you to know that it breaks my heart when I hear you crying in your bassinet. And I'd love more than anything to come scoop you up; hold you close and stop those tears from flowing. But I can't. I'm busy at the moment checking a blood sugar, giving insulin and preparing food. So you must wait. And though it might seem like all my attention is focused on your sister at the moment, you are certainly on my mind and I am working as quickly as I can to get to you.

And I hate to hear you whimper when your tummy is empty and you are asking for food. But I cannot feed you at the moment. You see, your sister has low blood sugar and I have to tend to her needs first. And the testing, giving carbs and re-testing might take awhile, especially if I'm waiting until her blood sugar is in a safe range. If I am nursing you, I won't be able to help your sister. And right now, she needs me. I know that you need me too, and I feel so torn.

I am sorry that you get the leftovers of our attention. The leftovers of our energy. Diabetes is a very selfish sibling and demands so much of our time. But that is no excuse. I hope you feel that you can tell us when you are feeling ignored. Just know that the patience, perseverance, and empathy that you are learning right now will serve you well in life.

Know this above everything; you are a very special, and very loved little boy. I pray you grow up knowing and believing that. I am so blessed that you are my son.

Love,
Your Momma

20 comments:

  1. I have SO been there. He knows and will continue to know you LOVE him. :)

    Cute picture!

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  2. wonderfully written and with a mom and family like yours he will ALWAYS Know he is loved!!

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  3. beautifull written. I agree D is selfish I always feel like my youngest feels pushed aside. He knows you love him and I believe they understand.

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  4. tears.
    Thanks for sharing this. I don't think anybody other than P of CWD understand how difficult this is when you have more than one child. Know you're not alone and eventually he'll be one of his big sis's biggest advocates and supporters.

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  5. This was such a sweet letter. There is no mistaking how you feel about your son. He'll know. :)

    I often have similar feelings about my teens. They have been pushed to the side because of that selfish bully D. Writing them a letter reminding them they are loved is a good idea.

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  6. It really is hard when D takes so much attention. Being aware of it is a big step in making sure the non-D sibs get what they need too. You are doing great, there is no doubt you love him as much.

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  7. This absolutely rushed my mind with memories.

    VIVID memories...I remember it all too well ... 1st 6 months after dx, then again 16 months later.

    The good news is that your baby will always know you love him. I was sure I had ruined my girls because I couldn't respond to them as quickly as I wanted...but...they're all good.

    Keep up the good work, and remember...in the BIG picture, this is really just a short period of time.

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  8. He knows. He will know. He will grow to be a compassionate, protective and informed voice of diabetes, all because of you and Elise and your family.

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  9. Oh, you have me crying! Because I totally understand everything you wrote! Have you tried a sling, Joanne? Or some kind of carrier? If not, let me know. I'm sure I have a few still hanging around my house that I would love to send one off to you!

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  10. @ Cindy - I do have several carriers, but I find it hard to do everything I need to do with him in there. Plus my back starts to hurt if I "wear" him for too long.

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  11. My heart is breaking for you right now because I know how hard it is for my 4 year old to understand that Joshua needs me when he does so I cant even dream of how hard it is for you in the reverse. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL momma and he will know it. He will feel it and more then that he will share the lessons this is teaching in more ways with the world. Ducking Fiabetes for sure for making you teach this so early. I love you and have tears for you right now my friend. Please try and not beat yourself up to much!

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  12. J0...this one breaks my heart. I can just see your home...the stated "d" tasks and I can hear Mattias crying and whimpering in the background. I can feel your heart being torn. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard these incidents must be for you. You are one incredible lady.

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  13. Sheesh Jo-you are making me cry again. you keep having that effect on me! this is a lovely post and I know that Mattias will feel loved and he will understand..and he will probably be an especially compassionate young man when he grows up..

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  14. yep Joanne sure can make me cry too .

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  15. That's one awesome post! You rock! Just beautiful.

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  16. Oh Jo....I hate that you're feeling this!! Even though I don't have an infant...I often find myself tending to Jada's needs first and then wondering what my other kiddos must be feeling. Oh the guilt.....

    Beautiful letter to your sweet boy...

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  17. He knows you love him. You are his mother and you love him more than life. It is a hard road we travel with D but I believe that all of the children --- all of them --- with D and without. They know they are loved, they know they are special!!

    I'm so sorry things are overwhelming right now - I wish I could come over there are scoop Mattias up and rock him for you!!

    Hey - I can on Monday. It's a date for sure this week. K??

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  18. You made me cry a little. I was pregnant with my 3rd daughter when Ally was diagnosed. Not only did I feel like I "ignored" my pregnancy, but I also felt like I "ignored" her as an infant. Obviously, I did everything I could to meet her needs, just not in the moment as I would have before D. I so related to what you were saying about being torn. The good news is that my baby is 15 months now, and she is the most easy going, "go with the flow" kid I have! Hugs to you and your beautiful babies!

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  19. what a beautifully written post... I can only imagine how torn you must feel throughout the day.

    I do live here, just 2 minutes from Carrie. And when I saw your picture I thought yeah for red hair!!

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  20. This made me cry. My daughter was diagnosed a few weeks after the youngest was born. Needless to say, I feel like he's ignored a lot of times. Yes, D is selfish.

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