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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my sleep the most

I wake up every morning dismayed to find out that it is, in fact, morning. My nights are spent wandering in and out of sleep; punctuated with a few moments of sitting straight up in bed, thinking, "OH MY GOD, WHAT TIME IS IT? DID I SLEEP THROUGH THE ALARM? WHAT IS HER BLOOD SUGAR? WHERE ARE MY GLASSES?"

In our house, 6 hours of sleep is a good night. About 4 hours is the norm. If it were 4 hours of
uninterrupted slumber, I could live with that. Instead it is broken up into 30 to 60 minute increments. I think the longest I've gone without waking is 2 hours.

During the day, I walk past my bed and it calls to me; a siren's song
enticing me to just come and lay down for awhile. Giving a two-month old and a three year the run of the house while I take a snooze is not the best idea, but my resolve is growing ever weaker.

I think what vexes me the most is how I've aged about 10 years in the past two. I've never been
particularly vain about my appearance, but it used to tickle me when people would think I was a teenager. In fact, while I was pregnant with Elise (in the early stages... you couldn't tell), a guy at my church asked me what high school I went to. And no, he wasn't legally blind or senile. And no, it had nothing to do with my behavior either.

I know I'm preaching to the choir here. A very sleep-deprived choir. One that would probably fall asleep while singing
The Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah. But I feel like I am sleep-walking through my life. I'm never 100% present. My brain feels like it's been insulated with cotton. I forget words. What I'm saying in the middle of a sentence. Why I've come into a room.

When I do sleep, I have some of the most awful dreams you could ever imagine. Dreams of not being able to get the meter to work. Dreams where Elise is high and we have no more insulin. Dreams of a tornado and I can't find my glasses, so I try to find Elise without being able to see and I cannot find her.

I'm starting to wonder how long a person can live like this and stay sane?

20 comments:

  1. Feeling very much the same over here. The tiredness has taken over and I am not functioning at 100% EVER. :(

    It helps a little to know we are not alone. And sane? I don't think any of us are "sane". :)

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  2. I think you are asking the wrong crowd!!!!!

    Let's just all pretend we are well rested and pefectly sane. It's more fun when everyone plays along.

    Staring at a blank wall for a bit is suprisingly refreshing! Almost like a nap. kind of.

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  3. I am almost absolutely certain that I am not sane. :P

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  4. I completely agree. I was one too that people were surprised I was a mother and they thought I looked like I was in HS, but alas it's all caught up and the past year has taken it's toll. Sadly I have had a gift certificate for a spa yet have no way of using it, how ironic is that?!
    As for sleep I have decided that naps are the way to go for me. I must nap. I have no choice for if I don't the whole world around me pays for it. We tried having one adult "on duty" one night and switching, but that doesn't work for me as I am just to anxious to not be up and know what the BG is and all the details. So, for me it's naps. Yes the housework doesn't get done, but pish posh..we'll live with a little more dust for now!
    You're not alone and feel free to tell us daily how you're tired...I'll always listen :)

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  5. all I can say is I HEAR YA!! I'm so happy that my bedroom is upstairs and we spend the most part of our days on the main floor because that bed just looks to lonely during the day and I would love to keep it company!!

    I MISS SLEEP I LOVE SLEEP I WANT SLEEP!!

    I think I could seriously sleep for 2 days given the chance!!

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  6. I am so in touch with sleep deprivation. This afternoon, for the first time, I actually put my head down on my desk and closed my eyes for a few moments, while the kids were home. Then it hit me: what am I doing??? I sat straight up and ran for the kitchen to get a Diet Coke. Thank goodness for caffeine!

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  7. I wish you lived closer. I'd come babysit so you could sleep!

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  8. Sleep is definitely the Type 1 game rule that I would change if I could... Hang in there, you're doing an awesome job !!

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  9. Oh I hear ya! Especially about the aging thing. I always looked young for my age but now I see the wrinkles and grey hairs. Ugh!!
    And the brain that loses thoughts mid-sentence. Yeah, that is me too!
    Sleep...where far art thou sleep?

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  10. Oh Jo...I wish we lived closer. I would do anything to help you out girl. Even a night here and there...to give you a little more un-interrupted sleep. On a good night I do at least get 4-5 hours in a row...and on a bad night well...you know the drill. I cannot even imagine a newborn in the mix. My heart feels for you. Love ya mad sistah!

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  11. Hahah the word verification is "resto" !!!

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  12. I am sane... I am sane... I am sane. If I say it... it is true right?

    I miss two things the most. Sleep and my youthfull look. I look 40. I wouldn't mind looking 40 if I were anywhere near 40... but i'm not. So looking 40 kinda sucks!

    (((hugs))) I think I might try Amy's "stare at the wall" nap.

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  13. I have been feeling exactly the same way. I hoped it was just because we are fairly early on in the diagnosis, so it depresses me even more to read that you all aren't getting any sleep either. How can we live like this? It sounds like I'm getting a little more sleep than most, but I'm still just SO EXHAUSTED! I feel like I am going crazy because D is ALL I think about. It NEVER leaves my mind. I'm with Sarah, even if my husband checks I must know what her # was and then I lay there calculating what that means she will be by morning or if we need to check her before that. I'm looking forward to the rest of this week with no school and being able to nap!! Glad to hear I'm not alone and maybe I'm not crazy??!

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  14. You took the words right out of my brain.

    I completely relate to this post...sigh....

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  15. i can totally relate to this Joanne...i can't tell ya how many times i have wandered around Walmart trying to remember why i in fact went there and what the heck i needed to buy. i often wonder when the breaking point will come...how long can a person actually go with such little sleep? i'll let ya know if and when i get there first...otherwise you tell me! lolol

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  16. same.

    Dear Fred,

    Next Monday we will be gone for 3 hours. Please keep the kids occupied while Jo and I slip into my bedroom for a little nappy.

    You rocked the bgs on Monday. We both trust you. No texts please.

    Love, L

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  17. Yep. Yep and YES. Been there. My brain is ALWAYS half asleep! Sometimes I think people think Im losing it because my words ramble here and there and everywhere!

    I cant imagine the little sleep with D AND a nursing baby....MAN. I wish I could help!

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  18. A week and half ago I spent five minutes while I was on the phone with my Dad- looking for MY PHONE!!!

    I am so tired- I don't even care that I just told everyone that!

    Love you and your blog.

    April

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  19. I'm so with you! Lately, every time I wake up, I'm automatically thinking about diabetes. Numbers, corrections, carbs, pumps. It's driving me insane because there truly is no break. Truly.

    Oh, and I still think you look like a teenager. If you weren't so cute, it would be disgusting. : )

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  20. Unfortunately, you can live a long long time like that. I did. :( But I'm happy to report that the NO SLEEP DAYS do not last forever! (((HUGS)))

    And guess what! I'm all caught up on your posts! Yeah baby!

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